Korn, Family and OCD!
Hello people of the internet! I originally began this blog a few weeks ago and I’m hoping to get this finished today, so I can move on to more interesting topics. This blog is basically an update, about my time away with family and how my OCD reacted to all of that.
I was talked into going back up north by a very close friend, one of my first carers actually and he’s a guy that knows me well and has always looked out for me since the beginning. Bryan and his family are family to me. He has a very good understanding of mental illness which makes him kind of my go to person when freaking out. I could write a few stories here about how fucking nuts Bryan is but I’m hoping he writes a book one day so I’ll leave that to him. When Bryan asked me if I wanted to Come Home A big part of me was instantly stubborn to the idea, I felt like it showed my weakness or something having to go back and effectively be “looked after”. I suppose I’m just proud and I take pride in the fact I’ve made a life for myself at the other end of the country from my family, when sometimes looking back, very few people expected me to do as much as even survive let alone graduate from a mainstream university, University of the year at that. So having to “go home” felt soft, and I have a voice in the back of my mind that I constantly fight, it’s a voice that thrives off me failing it reminds me of how much of a waste I am, I heard that voice gloating “ see everyone knew you couldn’t manage”. Its really stupid but it was there, on the flipside when Bryan said that he could sort things out to get me back around my family it just felt right it felt safer, I was having panic attacks everyday, my OCD was spiking massively I needed to be around family. It seems that the cause of my panic attacks was that there was a clash in my medication, mirtazapine and Diazepam Do not mix.
Rather than trying to chronicle my time with family, I’ll keep it brief, as I’m finding it really hard to make any of this seem meaningful. Being around family helped and it was good real life exposure. I found it difficult talking about OCD for a few reasons. I don’t know when I am talking about OCD as a form of reassurance and therefore becomes a compulsion and when I talk about it to help people understand. I question whether my family need to know I think they do, however the tricky part is people actually understanding and taking it seriously, as serious as my cerebral palsy, they both affect my brain, only one effects my muscles not receiving the message from my brain and the other floods my brain with ego dystonic thoughts. Where I come from its very mind of matter and if your mentally ill your looked down on. I can deal with that but I don’t think I can face it with my own family.
People don’t get that everything in my mind during a OCD spike feels real and what it does to me is that it takes every ounce of dignity away from me. I fully understand that my thoughts are not real but my brain makes them feel real. I get the impression that some of my family don’t know I have OCD or do know and it kind of feels like a dirty secret. I guess I treat it that way as I feel I should be ashamed of my OCD mind I think in a weird way I’m glad of the shame and guilt I feel,it proves that I don’t desire my thoughts. With all that in mind it was really cool just to feel part of the family when I was in Ashington.
However I cant escape that I feel like a burden, when I’m not paying for the care or help I receive. Family or not I just don’t feel like I deserve their help, I’m so broken and now my mind is broken, I really don’t see what I have to offer. There was one afternoon for definite that I was swallowed by suicidal thoughts when I was in Ashington, I was at my mams, I was thinking of how my mam has more children now and my illness is not fair on them. I can’t just go back home like anyone else I really don’t want to but if I did, it is no longer viable, its fucking cruel. I remember just wishing I was never born and it wasn’t teenage angsty bullcrap it was calculated. How am I supposed to talk like this to my family I don’t want them to hurt, I don’t want them to worry, I want them to think I’m ok and I can manage, so fuck if I cant, that’s my problem.
On a happier note I had my cousin come back to Coventry, this was pre arranged as we were going to see Korn Play there 20th anniversary show with my aunty in Brixton London which apart from the tube and the travel was epic and an unforgettable night there is nothing like A korn gig to let out all the pent up negativity. My highlight Was screaming “all my life who Am I” at the top of my voice, in tears during the song Faget.
Having my Cousin Tyler with me for a few weeks was really cool far less awkward as I was expecting, he seemed to want to be here and it was nice not feeling so alone. It definitely showed me that I may want to rely on other parts of my family more.
So what now, currently I’m managing much better than I was, I’ve joined a local performance group, I am to do music and sound design for there show in October. Sorry for this jumbled mess and thanks reading. I’m hoping for my next blog to be about the OCD Community.
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