Happy New Year people of the internet!
Its been a few weeks since my last post so I’m due to write some words it seems. In a change to my original plans I thought I’d give you a summary of what I enjoyed over the Christmas period.
I spend 2 weeks with my family in Northumberland, A place called Ashington to be precise. Whenever I tell people I’m from Northumberland they usually picture the lovely quiet Scenic rural country side, well ashington is not this at all, there is a reason we nick name the place ‘Ashganistan’!
Anyway, I couch surfed for two weeks, from family member to family member. I had a great time, it is so different up there in various ways. I enjoyed being there a lot more than I have the past few times, I felt less of a burden than I usually do. I spent time with the myriad of children in family without self accusing. It seems the children are getting used to me, which is nice. It was always going to be difficult for my younger siblings who are below the age of 4 to understand that I’m there brother and my wheelchair is not scary. They were born after I left so it must have been strange to them, for a weird looking dreaded dude on four wheels just to show up at there house and call their mam, mam and to watch their mam help this stranger do everything. My younger sister used to be really stand offish with me and she still is but at least we communicated this time.
I also got to spend time with my sister who is in foster care, which was awesome, I love it when I can feel like a brother, that might sound strange but what I mean is I enjoy being there for her. She has had a very difficult life and our relationship is different to my other siblings because we lost our dad, we know that man as dad, no one else does. Dad loved both of us and I know he loves seeing us together. I feel obliged to let my sister know that I want to be a bigger part of her life. I get bogged down in my inability to care for her in a traditional sense of given her a place to stay, cooking her food and asking about school and saying the right things. All that is a classic case of my over thinking. All I have to do to show her I love her is genuinely be there for her. I am always here when ever she wants me, I met her knew foster carer who seems awesome and we spoke about the possibility of my sister coming to stay with me and my gran in Coventry this summer and it seems agreeable.
My OCD was challenged on occasion and I did seek reassurance and avoidance without realising what I was doing but I realised afterwards and adjusted next time. for example, I was staying at my sisters, (a different sisters) and she went to work in the morning she told me her boyfriend would be in the next room and he was, however I started to think, has he left, if he has I’m alone and I have no alarm to call in case of emergency, so I messaged my sister asking how long it would be before my mam came to get me dressed, I didn’t tell her I was scared. What I should of done was to let the anxiety reach its peak and weigh up the likelihood of the boyfriend leaving me alone, so early when he didn’t have any place to be.
That’s all for today, thanks for reading