I began writing this on the evening of Valentines day. I’ve been feeling like this for awhile but was unsure what to do about it. On one hand we live in a society that looks down at men for showing any sign of insecurity and we are pressured into always putting on a show of strength. On the other hand, I learned in CBT that bottling shit up can make my anxiety much worse! This is not a happy post.
“I don’t want to be this but I wont let this build up inside of me”- Corey Taylor
before we get to the meat of things let me explain my living situation to give you an idea of how I live. I live on my own my family all live in Northumberland. I graduated from Edge Hill university which is in the northwest of England. I live in Coventry after attending a specialist college where I met a lot of my friends I have friends scattered around the country and a cluster of friends live in Birmingham. I have full time care support with live in carers who are entitled to two hours break per day. My main carer currently lives with me for three weeks a month with another carer living with me 1 week a month. My main carer on the whole is fantastic but he doesn’t drive, the other carer has been caring for me for about 3 years and she was an awesome carer but I don’t feel like I can ask her for as much as I could and long story short I appreciate what she’s done for me but its time for a change, oh yeah she doesn’t drive either. If I do feel like going out I have to arrange it with my care company or use public transport. I currently find it really hard to drive my wheel chair as my chair just doesn’t fit me anymore and so I’m not seated correctly and I look so uncomfortable and I feel it. I also have really bad social anxiety,
I feel so alone. I feel like this might well be it for the rest of my life and its eating me alive and I do anything I can to distract myself from the despair I feel every night around bed time. Which is why I’m trying to write this post on an evening, or more likely over a few evenings, I want to feel this shit and puke it into sentences. I’ve been finding myself looking at my past and wanting to sell a limb to have what I had a couple of years ago. I ruminate on my previous relationship and the genuine love I received from my ex and how I didn’t appreciate what we had. In therapy my counsellor said that I didn’t love myself enough to make it work but I think that I wanted the best for my ex and that’s why I let her go, I pick this apart and believe that my OCD tricked me into wanting our relationship to be “perfect” and I see what we had for awhile was damn near perfect. I don’t know whether I will ever have another relationship, I don’t feel like I’m desirable to anyone. This scares me, I have no confidence, I don’t see why anyone would look at me in a romantic way. Is there anything less attractive that a guy writing about his loneliness. On dating sites I get matched with girls that say they want an independent out going guy who wants to travel the world. I’m none of that. Truth be told I don’t know who I am these days. I used to have a solid idea of how the world works and even dared to believe that I could do something positive for the world. Now it feels futile to believe in anything cause you’ll get fucked by your beliefs in the end. I wrote a poem some days ago called Different and disconnected and that sums up my overall mood lately.
Different and disconnected
I want to tell you how sad I feel.
I just want you to listen, I expect no answers.
I know I’m supposed to think positively, reality hampers this.
I’m disconnected from most of society.
Though I love my independence and individuality, would it be easier to fit in?
Become numb to the fact we’re all being fucked by the culture we consume.
I look like, not one of you, I feel like, none of you, I want like, all of you!
I want to feel whole, I want to repair the decay of self loathing.
I want to be me, but not me, in this broken body!
I’m written off so quickly cause I cant speak slickly.
I want to feel comfortable in public, I want to talk to you.
I want to believe I’m worthy of your time.
I desire the things of a 26 year old, while I live the life of an 86 year old.
I Have great mental capacity, its full of fear and negativity,
sure hope is in there somewhere!
How do I sell this? On potential? On good will?
I should just keep trying, just keep smiling.
Paint a picture of living, with the colours of my trying.
Distort my depression with positive lies.
Being disabled and looking as spastic as I do is a barrier for a lot of people. Having OCD is a barrier for people also, but imagine coupling those things together and add the borderline hatred for most things pop culture and my opinions on important world events, I feel that I’m poisoning the sea and killing the fish. I am who I am and I cant pretend and I wont pretend to be what someone else wants me to be. I wish I could be like the majority sometimes it might be easier to fit in.
The answer seems to be out there out of my front door, I need to meet new people, however I am very nervous around people some times to the point that I feel embarrassed to even exist. If you talk to me I’m probably going to stutter and stammer back at you, looking very pained doing so. I need to go out and do stuff though but why would I give myself all the stress and the feelings of not belonging of being everyone else’s inconvenience. It hurts not feeling you belong anywhere, you crave somewhere you feel that’s yours, you crave acceptance. When the world then rejects you from the get go its hell and that’s how it feels. Sometimes, a lot of the time I wish I was stupid like, clinically retarded, cause I’m guessing I wouldn’t want the things that I want in life, I’d be clueless to the world and I wouldn’t feel so hopeless.
I can feel something in me wanting to write something positive to counter act all this depressive bile. I know I’m not dying and therefore it could be worse. That is all the positivity I’m affording me for now. I need to air as much as I can, I can’t be the only person feeling this hopeless and I hope this post connects with other people that feel like me. We are not alone are we?
When ever I have a good time, if I spend time with friends, see a film at a cinema, see a comedy show or concert I’m elated at the event but when I see the event coming to an end I am overwhelmed by negative emotions, anger sadness and cold fear. It seems that I use gambling to distract me from all this and it works in fact it gives me something else to hate myself for. Addicts are almost always hurting and trying to relive what ever pain they are feeling. However we all know that addictions become a problem of there own and it’s a vicious cycle. in terms of my gambling, i feel like I’m in control because I have stopped on numerous occasions, but i am aware of the danger I could face and the problems it can cause I feel like if I felt this bad and had the opportunity to do all kinds of drugs without anything being recorded by care staff than I’d probably be your local lowlife junky. Sometimes I want to get up go out and disappear alas I live with carers and don’t have the ability to do this. Other times I feel like I want to get black out drunk, however the carer is probably duty bound to stop me when they feel ive had enough, that’s never a nice feeling, also I don’t want them documenting how sad I might appear, because I want help on my own terms, I want to endure as much as I can. I want control.
I’m Isolated. I find it really hard because I love my independence, I am really surprised I’ve been able to be so independent. I like living so close to the city. The problem is that I don’t have a social circle that I can easily access, plus I’m not the kind of person to confide my troubles in my care staff, they are from different backgrounds and boundaries are important with carer/client relationships, so sadness builds up and little things turn in to big things. When I meet up with friends, its definitely an event more than an everyday occurrence, shout out to all my friends by the way, when we’re together I feel much more alive. To you I’m Kyle, I guess because you don’t have access to my inner dialogue you don’t see me the way I do.
I guess I’m about due to finish this post, I guess in summary, I’m lost and scared. The positive ending to this, is for me to say something like, I know that I have the solution within me to overcome this rough patch, but if I’m honest I feel like I do have the strength to deal with my depression and OCD but I don’t know about long term happiness, I don’t know about romance, I think I want it too much.
I wanted to write this for therapeutic reasons, I’m not looking for pitty, but hey I’m open for advice. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings and I hope this can help someone else I suppose.
Love and peace