I was going to write a blog about what I’ve been up to since my last blog, however its taken so long for me to write that, by the time I wrote the second paragraph my mood had changed, this may be short as I want to get something out, it may be rubbish, it may come across as a bit pointless but its something.
I had a good summer, had an awesome time with my cousin staying at mine, I had a good time going to Ashington, the highlight of that was seeing my old respite care family, its hard to know what I’m supposed to call them. Basically they looked after me from the age of 1 till the age of 9 and they loved me to death it seems and I loved them. I only stopped seeing them because, I basically somehow thought my mam would die when I wasn’t at home. Anyway after a few years of trying to find them online, I found Bethany and then Celia and finally got the chance to thank them for what they did, I’m gutted that we didn’t stay in touch, alongside my family and schooling they played a massive part in my Development, Apart from my OCD worries, I only remember good times with Celia Dennis Bethany and Alex. I was very lucky to be part of this family, it helped my mam out immensely cause she was young and she had four of us at the time so having help with me would of helped the whole family out. Anyway I loved seeing all of them its just a shame Dennis isn’t around anymore. I brought back an old picture journal book that Celia kept for me, I’m going to get it scanned and I want to write some poetry inspired by the pictures. I really do appreciate those times because it was before I understood the world and I was happy and in a way I live and succeed for that kid I know that kid wasn’t a problem, that kid deserved love and happiness and so do I.
I came back from Ashington with my gran and my little sister, I loved having them here I loved being a big brother and showing them my independence. I hope they can come back sometime. I wish it happened sooner like 5 years sooner my dad and I were talking about it but I moved into my bungalow the same month he died… the selfish bastard!
Since September I’ve been attending a media art and music type course, not to sound stuck up but in all honesty I’m way over qualified for the course but its something I suppose. I also started an introductory counseling course this week. I’m much more optimistic about getting something from this course, I don’t think I’ll pursue an actual career in counseling but I would love to be able to perhaps volunteer and help others with mental health, I know how terrifying and shitty it can be to go through depression and anxiety, I also know how life changing counseling can be. I may not end up being a great professional counselor but I’ll probably be very disarming and relatable.
Currently my mood is better for Writing this, I think I’m learning that I feel useless if I don’t do anything creative but at the same time I put off doing something because a part of me doesn’t think anything I can do will be good enough therefore whats the point in doing it and what’s the point in starting something if I’m not going to finish it. Its been a weird couple of weeks.
You see, since july 2015 I’ve wanted three things. 1 to be busy. 2 a new Korn album and 3 to see Korn live again.
Well now I am studying and performing 15 hours a week. Korn are releasing a new album next month and have put out 3 songs already. I’ve also bought V.I.P tickets to meet korn and see them play in December. Yet with all of this I’ve been feeling awful, very dark and greyed out and I understand that these feelings are classic depression, however I have no way out, it makes sense when they say that the way out is through. Depression is so old and unoriginal and that’s what annoys me, I can write about it but I’m writing nothing new, but all I can say is that, it is what it is, it is as much a part of me as Cerebral Palsy is, neither define me and I exploit both to create something better.