For #OCDWEEK I want to share some of my intrusive thoughts in order to show the yucky side of ocd, the side that no-one would want to claim they have. the following post was taken from my personal Facebook Page. I would be happy to answer any questions regarding OCD if you want to leave a comment.
Finally getting round to telling you about some intrusive thoughts… intrusive thoughts are common amongst people with ocd and people in general the difference is that most people can easily dismiss these thoughts as meaningless a person with OCD can’t and they need to do something (a compulsion) to stop the distress of the thoughts.
So last week I was sat in the cafe on lunch break at the Herbert and a mother and a baby was on the next table and my carer got me a coffee, I sipped the coffee and flinched as it was really hot. I then visioned my carer throwing the coffee in the baby’s face, I saw it happen, I heard the baby scream and yup it was awful but obviously its not real, I didn’t really do anything to get rid of the thought I just got on with it, but if I had this thought when I was at my worst I would be thinking about it all week trying to make sure that this scenario won’t happen, it sounds stupid cause that scenario is sooooo bizarre and its a waste of time trying to avoid something so unlikely. That’s what is horrible about ocd we as sufferers know that its illogical we are usually very intelligent but we feel that terrifying feeling that doubt that keeps the cycle going.
This is going to be very stream of conscious from me. I feel like I have stuff to say that may or may not be interesting to you.
Right so having full time care is essential in my life and I’m so lucky to have it and having this amount of care affords me freedom and independence. However I feel like it can also be very restrictive socially and perhaps emotionally. For example I’m depressed a lot and there’s times where I want to just disappear and there’s times where I could tear my home apart and times where I want to make stupid and reckless decisions. I can’t really do any of this. I don’t cry in front of people and I let everything sit. I have full on screaming fits inside.
Its kind of cruel that the people who know me most are paid professionals and that due to rules we can’t be friends, I’m thinking about counsellors here. Every counsellor I’ve met has seemed to like me, I’ve even made a couple counsellors cry when leaving, that kind of thing can’t be faked. I’m told I have value and that If I believe in myself I’ll find happiness but just when I start to believe my treatment is finished and I eventually wash away the closeness and love I feel during counselling. It is not a counsellors job to be responsible for their clients its down to the client, so I’m giving tools of which seem inadequate when put up against years of self hatred and internalised Ableism.
During my 6 month check up with my CBT therapist we discovered that I’m massively ablest not just against myself but every disabled person, I guess I really don’t want to be disabled but does anybody? I see adult disabled people acting lets say immature or embarrassing and I think that a few things happen in my brain. I see this behaviour as being perceived as representative of me and who I am, I look at disabled people and they are me and they are in the way and of course this is really horrible to put out but its not about disabled people its about me As in I’m in the way, my voice, my mannerisms disgust me. Dark as hell I know but that’s just the way I feel but we should always remember that feelings don’t equate to reality. Its hard all of this because evidently I’m my own worst enemy when I should be my own saviour, A romantic relationship wont save me from myself, a full time job wont either, meeting my idols wont, banging my head to the deepest of music wont. It all begins with me, I really need to find myself again and remove all the fear of being judged, its obvious that everyone gets judged, yes I’m very obviously spastic, when I’m stressed, angry, nervous or even excited I’m even more physically distorted and not the me I want anyone to see. I feel like I need to just have awkwardness more, talk to strangers and live like I am confident. A big part of me wants to be this cringey lads lad just so I can say I cant get any worse than that. I don’t actually want to be a lads lad, I just want to be me but I don’t feel that my body represents me. I want to contribute, I want to talk to you, I want to laugh, I want to be naughty in various ways. The question is, how do I get there, another question is, is that who I really am. I’m desperate to be known for my intellect, humour and my artistic world view, I’m well aware of how poncy that may sound. I guess I’m that used to being looked at as the disabled dude by most people that I just want so badly to show them and me that I’m a billion miles away from the shy recluse that I portray.
Thanks for reading!
Oh and while I remember this blog thingy was inspired by my friends video where Jennie discusses her journey in becoming a more confident speaker please check it out!