Monthly Archives: February 2017

How’s it going? (Poem)

Happy Birthday Old fucker!
Almost fifty already, you would have been.
This is not another sad poem, everyone knows I miss you.
Instead this is a catch up I guess,
You see I wish I could really tell you this.
 
This summer I had Teilah and the crazy lady over.
I love them both so much but it should have been you.
Dad, its mental, I’m a fully fledged adult and I’ve done so much without you.
I act now, you would laugh if you saw it, I’m shit.
I am having my poems published in a real book,
I have wrote so much music, every time I release a track,
I cant help but think “what would dad think of that”
I know you’d be perplexed at the technology.
 
Korn Released a new album its heavy as fuck.
Me and Tyler saw them, we actually met them.
Tyler stays with me often, we go to gigs and watch wrestling.
He’s in a few bands, you’d be proud of him. Wish you could tell him to gan steady!
Marie is happy, its mint, fuck so much has happened without you.
I’m crying, I like to forget the realness, in this.
I don’t know how to be okay that I’ll never see you again…
 
But dad, I’m happy again,
You said I should of never let her go,
But I did, but now she’s back and its almost perfect.
It would be perfect if you were here too.
She makes me want to be a better person.
Like the way, you looked after yourself because of us.
You never felt good enough, it took someone else’s’ love,
For you to even want to get better, I totally get it!
 
I cant write everything, I don’t think I want to.
Dad, I want to talk to you, I want to remember your voice.
I didn’t want this to be another sad poem, more of a “how’s it going.”
Well dad, shit happens, but for me its going good, really fucking good.
 

Being A Vampire, Saying Goodbye and Meeting Korn

I again have left this Blog space thingy neglected for over 3 months and my domain and hosting fee is up so I guess I should write. Sorry to leave you all (all four of you,) waiting. Since the last time I wrote a lot of awesome things have happened and some really sad shit has happened. Shall we begin?!

 

In October I had the absolute pleasure of Performing in my second show with Ego Performance company. My previous show with Ego was aimed at children and although I enjoyed the team work part of being in the production the show itself was tedious to go over again and again, it was a kids show so it wasn’t meant to stimulate the likes of me but the Kids loved it. However our last show entitled ‘The Last Sucker’ was aimed at adults and the story was hilarious. I played a mummies boy vampire Rock Star called Daz or Daffodil. The show was about a group of Christian missionary scouty type tourists who get lost and end up in a cave which is home to a family of vampires as well as famous historical figures who are actually vampires such as Lord Lucan, Sparticus and Jesus Mother Fucking Christ. My nemesis in the show was my adopted 46 year old baby brother who was a vulgar mouthed perverted man trapped inside a baby’s body. The Show was incredibly fun and I love the Ego crew so much as soppy as it sounds they are the closest thing I have to family in Coventry.

 

This is the part that I wish I didn’t have to write. After our final show night we lost one of our cast and ego family member Monty. I’m not going to dwell too much on what happened to Monty, Instead let me tell you about the Monty I knew, I didn’t know him for very long but he certainly left a lasting impression. Monty was very open about mental illness, he suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder and he noticed that I was a bit down on Facebook one day and left a comment or a message and invited me to a Facebook support group which he was admin for and he’d pop up from time to time on my chat and showed genuine care for me. I wish I made more of an effort to get to know Monty more but unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Losing Monty undoubtedly brought the group closer and it made me really want to take chances and do more and just disobey my anxiety which stops me from socialising. I love Ego because I feel like they care and I care for them. I may seem detached and disinterested but I’m not I love you guys!

December was the month of the day and featured one of the best days of my life. It was the month where I would meet Korn. On the 1st of the month my cousin came down, we had arrange to see Bullet For My Valentine months prior to Korn even announcing tour dates so everything fell into place. Before any gig Though, I took my cousin to Ego so he could show them how to get me out my chair should we ever need to do that in my acty thingymajig! We then attended a charity gig for Montys funeral costs and it was awesome, so much talent on show and ego generally has such genuine positive Vibes. I was chuffed to have my music played during MCultra’s set. MCultra are fellow Ego members Emily and Jason we talked about doing music together for months but I think I was too shy. I didn’t know whether our styles would mesh but as I mentioned before I want to take more chances and I’m pleased I did. MCultra seems to be nothing like the Emily and Jason I know from ego. I suppose that’s where they get there name from. They are loud ,smart, free and full of attitude and I think the music I tend to make compliments their style. We had an amazing night at Montys do, nothing we could do would ever erase the pain of grief but I imagine it must have been awesome for the family and loved ones of Monty to feel the love we had for him.

 

To be honest the Bullet For My Valentine gig was a bit of a let down, some parts due to our excitement for the Korn meet and greet and some parts down to my planning. You see I was trying to be cost effective so instead of getting my carer to drive myself and cousin to the venue from Coventry to Birmingham which would also include him going back home before coming to pick us up, I decided we’d just get a train to and from the gig. I normal Human would of checked the returning train times long before the show. Not this spastic! Me in all my wisdom didn’t check when the last train was until halfway through the second support acts set! The last train was way before 11 and we would be walking to the station meaning we had to leave 2 or 3 songs into Bullets’ set! I would have been more pissed of if this was the main event of the month!

 

So, lets talk about the Korn meet and greet gig. In case you don’t know me that well let me explain why this was a big deal for me. I have been listening to Korn since the age of seven when I would go to my dads on the weekends. One day he put Korns’ first home ‘Who Then Now’ on for me to watch and from then on I have idolized this band. They showed me that it was ok to cry, that it was fine to be different. Korn has always been there for me through everything. When I saw Korn play on their 20th anniversary I told my aunty that I would have to buy a meet and greet ticket one day. So around October 2016 when Korn Announced Their up coming UK Tour I knew I had to do it and I’m glad I did, from the moment my booking was confirmed I was living for that day and it never really felt real until after the show. I knew that there would be no way that I would be able to get any words out of any meaning on the day, so I decided to write them a letter, heres what I wrote;  

 

Dear Korn? Even writing this knowing you will read this amazes me in ways I cant explain. I wanted to write this as I don’t think I’ll get anything out of my mouth on the day I meet you. My name is Kyle and I’m here with my cousin Tyler and your band and what Korn does has profoundly changed our lives. My dad got us both hooked to the band long ago, I’ve been hooked since age 7.

 

We come from a place where being different is not an easy life choice. Your music has gave me so much. You taught me that it was fine to be different and that I could use all the mess I have in my mind for good. Poetry and music are both outlets for me because of you guys.

 

I have suffered from depression all my life and was recently diagnosed with OCD and Korn has helped me through it all, there has been times where Korn has seemed the only thing good in my life, the only thing worth living for. I would not be who I am today without Korn, your music has helped me accept myself, embrace being an outsider and succeed at life despite maybe not having the best environment to do so. You have also taught be to forgive and to be thankful for those that love me and for those I love.

 

I know you hear this all the time but I hope you know that Korn is more than music to me and I genuinely don’t believe I can thank you enough for helping me through so much, from a young child getting stared at and being very aware of the fact I was a freak, to who I am right now, still a freak but a freak that owns it. Once again,

 

thank you for everything,

Kyle  

 

On the morning of the big day I printed out 2 copies of this although I wish I printed out more as I could of give one to each member. There was no need for any caffeine this day. me and my cousin left the house with extra battery’s and a sat nav along with my Korn Doll. we missed our first train but we left way way early and got into Birmingham for like 1pm and we didn’t need to be at the venue till 3:30pm. Our excitement spiralled as it became more apparent that we were on a journey to meet our idols, on a journey to complete a dream. This band is more then a band without them I wouldn’t be making music, I wouldn’t be writing poems. Without this band I very much doubt that I would have survived all my demons. We reached the venue around 2pm and I felt so high but not like weed high like Holy shit I’m about to meet Korn high. My cousin and I had to get cash out so we did and we still had an hour to kill. I don’t remember the exact time but I know we were let in around 4pm. The guy handling the event was Korns’ main videographer Sebastian Paquet which I found surprising simply because he is such an insider I thought it would be a third party. We get into the venue and collect our Swag bag full of VIP goodies the moment drawing ever closer, I was shaking after lining up in the foyer of the meet and greet part of the venue. The doors to the path of where we would end up were opened and I hit record on my voice memo’s app, I wanted to make sure I would remember what was about to happen. Sebastian Led the group through the maze of the back stage arena he seemed hurried but I was to excited to care. We finally all got in line single file and out of nowhere the band appeared, first we heard ray come down the line jokingly saying “single file drummer coming through” it was happening!!! As ray came up the line I spazzed out like a mofo and asked my cousin to get my Korn doll. When ray came to me I managed to say hey and respond to his questions it was fucking awesome, a fun fact is that ray responded to one of my messages on myspace back when he first got the Korn gig. A true gent is Ray! Oh shout out to Florrie before I forget, Florrie was at the VIP meet too, she knows my cousin from ashington and she kindly took videos of me meeting most of the band. Next coming down the line was Fieldy the bass player and as he approached my cousin almost fainted! At this point it dawned on me at this was the format of proceedings and that I would have to give the letter I wrote to an individual member instead of giving it to the band as a whole, so Tyler got my letter and gave it to Fieldy. Fieldy pocketed the letter and said thanks, to be honest fieldy looked distant but he wasn’t a dick he just seemed tired but he was there and this dude is one of my idols so I was just glad he was there! Next up was Munky and I gave him the other letter and he asked if it was for Jonathan to which we replied no its for the band. I felt bad I want every member to know I love them equally and yes I’m aware that these guys are rock stars and probably don’t need there ego stroked but these guys are a huge deal to me. Next to come down the line was Head. Head was a sweetheart he stayed talking to us the most. I told him that the music means everything to me and he got what I said I told him that I’d been listening since I was 7 he seemed really flattered! As he walked away he said “we love you man!” I just tried not to climax! The last member I got to meet was Jonathan it was really surreal to hear the voice that has always been there for me actually acknowledge me in real life he said “hey buddy how are you!” I said thank you for everything as he signed my VIP pass he replied in a very genuine tone “your welcome”. As the video below will show you I also whispered “Oh my God” to myself. After I met each member we continued to cue single file for our photo’s with the band and the guys said hi Again and Head exclaimed Woah I never so those dreads before and pushed them into the photo while I did a little sex wee! We got two photos taken and this is the one they kept.

Once the meet and greet was over Seb, escorted us down to the auditorium floor where Korn would give an exclusive acoustic performance of “Alone I break” and of course I loved it and yes I sang a long with every word.

I’m not going to gush about the gig. If you don’t know that Korn is the greatest live band on earth, then I cant help you. I feel at home at Korn gigs. This band is so special and their fans are die hard we feel each others pain. We recognise the need for release, I swear its spiritual. Special thanks to my Cousin for experiencing this with me, Florrie for taking videos and thanks to marrissa for picking us up from the show!

 

What a fantastic end to 2016. But without blowing my cover 2017 is shaping up to be the best year of my life. Meeting Korn was a dream come true but what is happening in my life right now is something that I never knew I needed so much. When I can say more I will.

Peace, Love and Sexy times!