Monthly Archives: April 2017

Dear Marsha (Poem)

Dear Marsha, I have been meaning to write to you for a while,

Its been over a year since our last session, by the way its Kyle.

Last summer my gran and sister came to stay, it happened like I wanted.

I went for a job interview at my previous college, the job I never got it, I was never bothered.

Things were going so well, things are so much better than before you helped me.

 

I completed a course in basic counselling, you said I should pursue,

I loved it, I find it so rewarding, next month I start my level two.

I’ll be thankful for the distraction, see right now, things don’t feel so great.

The girl I loved, the girl I love, you know the girl I let go,

You know the girl my insecurities pushed away, she come back.

I wanted to write to you sooner, tell you how far I had came and thank you again

Unfortunately this poem doesn’t feel the same, she left me, she said she loved me,

She doesn’t love me, she doesn’t love me, why doesn’t she love me!

 

Sorry about that, my most recent obsession,

You’d tell me to think logically, but this depression is so overwhelming.

Old thought patterns resurface, was I her burden, I am worthless, I don’t deserve happiness.

You’d ask for evidence, I’d tell you, I feel broken and that it is unfair to expect to be loved with this.

You would laugh probably, tell me you don’t agree and that neither do I really,

You’d tell me I’m giving to much time to my OCD and that this isn’t me.

 

Marsha, I’m really hurting but this time, I feel it.

I’m feeling every part of it, I’m writing this in part to process it.

I’m listening to sad things, watching sad things feeling everything and feeling numb.

I’m bleeding all of this into music, into poetry and I’m making plans.

Plans to do something with my sadness, I want to help others, with this.

I wont take up much more of your time, maybe just a few more lines.

 

Without your help, I don’t believe I would of come back from this.

I would have ran from all of it, I now know I need to face all of it, feel the worst of it,

To grow from it, to learn from it, to survive it.

then eventually recover and revive my life after all of it.

Marsha, I think about you everyday,

Marsha I wish I could thank you in every way.

Fade To Grey (Poem)

Tell me what I’m supposed to do, with these memories.

And what do you expect me to do with these feelings,

Is it easy for you? or do you mourn what we could have had.

are you oblivious to the torment you have caused?

 

I try to block it all out, but I think of you, I think of us, until I black out!

I catch myself remembering, the taste of our kiss, I smile for a split second.

Then I’m assaulted by reality, the fact is, to you, all of this means nothing.

Like I couldn’t of made you happy, like my love just wasn’t enough.

 

I held you, I kissed you, you’d leave my sight and I’d miss you.

Round and round I go, I feel worthless! I feel broken, on emptiness I’m choking!

When I think of all this, tell me what should I do,

cause I can only picture myself with you and I’m still hoping.

Stupidly so, pathetic I know, but where Else should I go?

 

I’m deserted with all these thoughts,

I’m stranded and abandoned

In a place I never could escape without you,

a place where, existence feels forced,

a space void of colour, life feels terminal.

In this headspace, my purpose is to find distraction,

Avoid the hurt and numb the pain, blunt emotions fade to grey.  

As Close To Heaven As I Will Ever Get (poem)

I’m tired of missing you, I’m tired of obsessing over the issue.

I opened myself up to be loved, now I’m trying to sew that wound up.

Now I’m hungry for it, I want so bad to feel wanted.

I was getting my life in order, for us, one day our family- insane right.

You’ve left me empty, I feel exposed, I need to feel loved – insane

 

 

I was getting used to loneliness, I kind of accepted,

that this bed was made by me, I came to lay in it finally.

I was erased, so easily replaced, you were gone without a trace.

It was torture, it cut so deep, but I got used to my place.

 

 

I’m still so in love with you, even if I should hate you.

I wish you could feel this, I wish you didn’t do this.

I wish you shared my dreams, I wish you could end this nightmare.

You were going to be my wife, you became my reason for life.

You were as close to god as I will ever get,

Lying next to you was as close to heaven as I’ll ever get.

One day perhaps, you might regret, I may forgive, but never will I forget.

Addressing The Last Poem To My Dad (Poem)

I loved the last poem I wrote to you, dad I really need to address that.

That part about being happy again, now I feel like I never want to love again.

I really believed, I feel like, I some how let you down, sorry to write to you again.

I find this easier, when I pretend like we’re in conversation.

I feel all fucked up inside, not just in our way, it all hurts so bad.

 

 

You know everything I had planned, I told you.

The happiness, we were going to have.

The happiest girl alive, I wanted to make her.

The happiest dude alive, I feel like she made me.

Everything was just going to be so much better.

 

 

I believed in all of it, for so long I dreamed.

A dream of you coming back, that I’ll never see, that will never be.

When she came back, this was the next best thing.

I wanted to record that last poem but I cant now.

I wanted to feel you, with us but I can’t now.

 

 

Dad, I know all you ever wanted was to be free.

Free from the hurt, free from regret, free from yourself.

Dad I know you loved so much, so much it hurt, cause you never felt good enough.

For the love you had, for the love you received.

Self harm isn’t all about bloody wrists,

it’s the self abuse and destructive behaviours.

be that drink, be that drugs, be that reckless love!

 

 

If I had the option, I’d join you.

If I cant, what does it matter if I want to?

I’m exhausted, I just want out.

I don’t want, I don’t want to be fucking strong.

I just want to cry, I want any kind of way out of this.

I’m sorry that, this wasn’t as nice as the last one, but with you I was always honest!

Escape To Another Dimension (Poem)

 

I want to text her, what would I tell her?

It couldn’t be, that I love her, or that I want her,

I want her to text me, what could she possibly say?

“Got you! I love You, this was all a joke, see you soon babe”.

 

 

My heart feels heavy, my brain feels cloudy.

All this, reaffirms all my negativity.

I see them together in my minds Eye.

I see the naughty texts, I feel sick, when I see them having sex!

But now she’s once again my ex, I’m supposed to be like, what’s next.

 

I say I know I deserve better, I just struggle to believe it.

No one loved me, the way She did,

then again no one hurt me the way she did.

I’m going out, but I cant get out of my mind.

No amount of distractions, distract me from this broken heart.

 

 

I want to leave, leave, leave all of this,

Escape to another dimension,

Leave everything here, be a different entity.

Strong, confident, worth more than I feel in this place.

Stable and calm, with no memory of her taste, with no recollection of her face

In Case I Haven’t Told You Lately (Poem)

 

Love is, wanting to stay, love is respect.

Love is, real tears, a real fortress, protection from fears,

I’ll face mine, if you face yours, I’ll lend you my shoulder, will you lend me yours.

I know I deserve more, do you know, you deserve it all.

 

 

Love is, the bliss, the escape, the laughter.

In case I haven’t told you lately, I love you.

I’m sorry I get lost in my life sometimes,

I’m sorry I haven’t always been there,

I hope you know, I have always cared.

 

 

I miss, the days where nothing could stop us,

Young kids, young minds, good times.

We’re not exactly much older,

though sometimes the world seems colder.

You have suffered loss, I have a new disorder.

But still, when I’m with you, my problems feel so much smaller,

When we laugh, when we cry, when we be, I feel ten times taller

In case I haven’t told you lately, I love you.

When You Were Here (Poem)

 

Why was I not enough, why do I need to know?

When my anger subsides, the tears don’t fill my eyes.

But my thoughts turn to suicide, all the “whys”

what is truth, what is lies?

Did he kiss you, why do I miss you?

Even when he hurt you, why wasn’t I enough?

 

 

They tell me, to forget you,

Cut all ties, figuratively walk away.

You have broke me, burned all of the love inside of me.

I want to cut and bleed, I want the hurt to be seen.

You’re in every thought, the way I was an after thought.

I’m dying every time, I open my eyes, every time I close my eyes.

 

 

With a lump in my throat, it pains me to note,

That you will never love me, the way I love you.

I swear no-one will ever love you, as much as I love you,

That should be past tense but its still true, I still love you.

It should be loved, was I ever loved by you?

 

 

I want tears to come, I want this pain to be done,

You were my number one, why was I not enough?

I was never you’re number one, I want this hurt gone!

I wish you could be here, everything felt real when you were here.

Was anything real, was anything real, was anything real, when you were here  

    

Puzzle Pieces (Poem)

 

Anger, sadness, sadness, anger.

Obsession, questions, depression, second guessing.

Never would of believed someone I worshipped,

Would do me like this, make me feel worthless.

 

 

Love is obviously blind, I’ve seen him.

Comparing me to him, man that’s an insult.

I treated you like gold, to him your just another slut.

I hate that you love him, I hate that I love you.

I’m stuck with the visions, unlike you, I have no escape.

 

 

The more I try to process this, the more I feel nauseas.

You wanted me to end things with you, coward, was this a game.

If I ended it with you, you could be spared of any blame, escape any shame.

Now the puzzle pieces are colliding, now there’s no hiding.

As soon as we went public, he came to ruin it, you let him ruin it, that’s right isn’t it.

 

 

To you, from me, Fuck you!

Like men? Back when you threatened me,

when you were threatened by me, man? Yourer barely a boy.

Treat women like toys, you drink away your emptiness,

Man to whatever you are, you don’t deserve any of this.

For your sake, she loved all of this, for her sake I’ll go no further with this.

Fuck Your Feelings (Poem)

 

 

I thought I was wrong, I thought I was paranoid.

I gave you everything, you traded it in for nothing.

Shut the fuck up, stop crying, say something.

I was going out of my mind, with worry, don’t tell me your sorry!

If you didn’t love me, you should of said, I thought you did, I thought you cared.

 

 

I think I’m going to vomit, how could you.

What did it take, for him to take you? for you to play me.

I don’t care what you did, you were thinking of him, while I was hurting for you.

He fucked around, he’s a fucking clown, I gave you a crown, my queen, my dream!

 

 

Fuck your feelings, fuck all of this.

All he wanted was to fuck you,

All I wanted was all of you.

I want to kill every part of me that will forever love you.

All the talk of me being there for you, I feel like a fool, I have been used.

Take him back, what you tried? What he lied? Hurts doesn’t it.

You deserve him, you deserve, the pain I’m feeling!

 

 

This is just the tip of the iceberg,

Like I’m so fucked up, since I heard, hurt isn’t the word.

I was going to give you the world, to you love must just be a word.

He isn’t anything to look at either, he is a joke, why am I the punch line.

I was 21, I was undiagnosed, I never made excuses, I risked it all, I let you go.

I did all of that for you, thought I didn’t deserve you, now I know I deserve more.

 

Everything Worth Believing in (Poem)

 

Lets step back, lets be honest.

I hurt you back then, he hurt you then, you hurt me.

I’m stepping back, I don’t blame you, I’m not blameless.

Excuse my mind, and my over enthusiastic heart.

We needed to take it slow, very slow from the start.

 

Of course you still love him, no doubt your still hurting.

I never asked about him, I was, I am jealous of him

Because of all of you, he got to, that’s on me, trust me, I see.

I cant see us really being friends, but I want to be there for you.

I want to see you happy, even without me, yes that hurts. but that’s love.

 

I want to tell you, I love you.

I want to do what’s right by you.

I know, we may never be, some dreams aren’t meant to be.

It hurts, cause I believe, but you do you, you have to do you!

Its not like you don’t already know it, the door is always open, until you close it.

Find yourself, love yourself, see what I see, see everything worth believing in!