Monthly Archives: May 2017

Unstable (Poem)

 

 

Stable… we shouldn’t talk until I am stable.

I’m sorry does your damage offend you, does it upset you?

This damage, is your lies, my obsession, your fakery, my nihilism.

Just go ahead and tell me you don’t care, but you won’t, cause you don’t.

You don’t get to be the better person, you don’t deserve my guilt.

 

You want to just move on, like you’ve done nothing wrong.

You tried to ghost me, you lied to me, you used me.

I have empathy with your dad, like him I will always love you.

A big part of me might always want the whole of you.

I really don’t want a liar, I really don’t want a user.

I don’t want to love someone, who doesn’t care about me.

But here I am, I’m sorry if my scars look bad on you,

but what do you expect me to do, I’m bleeding cause of you.

All you want to do is look away, avoid the consequences,

Of your fucked up actions. I’m a human, I feel! Are you? Do You?

 

One day, I truly hope you find, someone.

Someone that makes life make sense to you.

Someone who promises you everything you ever wanted.

A husband, a house, A family, a Future.

I just hope they aren’t like you,

Because you were all that to me,

You promised all that to me.

In reality you had nothing, for me.

I was a quick fix, now your over all this.

Suppose its easier, when you don’t actually love.

Damn Right I’m unstable, but at least, I’m not able to be as cold as you.    

I Can’t Tell You (Poem)

 

I’m wincing at the visions in my head.

It seems to get worse at night, a time when I can’t write.

My aunty asked me the other day, if I had plans for my birthday.

I didn’t tell her, the pain it caused, when I remembered I had plans with you.

We were going on holiday, this summer too!

Fathers day was going to be spent with you,

the ache of the loss to be shared with you!

This year might just be the worse yet,

now I have two lots of grief to go through!

 

I never processed our death last time.

I suppose now I am having to process both times, in double time!

You say I can speak to you, say what?

“I’m always going to love you and I don’t want to be alive without you”.

I can’t really tell you that, I’d do anything to have you back – I can’t tell you that.

 

There’s nothing I can do, everything I do feels haunted, by the ghost of you!

Your in every song I hear, in every house I visit, your love is gone and I miss it.

Do you miss anything about me, I think I’d rather be erased

than have you pretend to stay.

Something Worth Caring For

I am skipping through Itunes, songs on shuffle, volume up loud.

Trying to drown my thoughts or at least make them muffled,

I wish I could get bored of feeling this floored.

I don’t know if I really want to die, I don’t know if I want to live.

Its just that dying seems like MY choice and me living with this, like this.

Feels like everyone else’s choice. I’m finding it hard to want anything.

I’m finding it hard to wanting anything that doesn’t want me.

 

I have music, I have Poems, I have Friends I have family.

I don’t feel good enough at the first two I don’t feel worthy of the last two.

I’m trying to shut it all off, close up, but I feel exposed, I feel everything!

I’m trying to convince myself that, that kind of love I felt wasn’t meant for me.

 

I cant do this again, never ever again.

I don’t want to live just to recover.

I want to mean something and be someone.

I want it to matter, that I wasn’t treated right.

I want someone to actually, care for me.

Not because they’re family or paid to care for me.

Because they care about the direction of my life,

Because they see what I never will in me, something worth caring for.

Black And White (Poem)

 

Black and white, is how it must be for me.

You are either, with me or you’re not.

You either loved me, or you never did.

I meant, I mean something to you, I meant I mean nothing to you,

I was an object for you to use, now I’m just, the used.

 

Don’t tell me I’m taking it too far, who brought me this far?

We both know who, somewhere inside I knew, it was too good to be true.

I put it down to my disorder, I believed in your words.

All those words, you lied and its out of order.

 

Tell me you don’t love me, don’t tell me you love me.

Tell me you love me, don’t tell me you don’t love me.

Don’t tell me, you didn’t know, You’re sorry I know.

“I’m still here” the text you sent, like we could ever be friends.

I would of tried, but you just left, I guess that was pretend?

 

I wish you didn’t matter to me, I wish I could just drop you.

The way you dropped me, but you don’t get this and you never will.

You were happiness, you were calm, you were the point in all this.

I am depression, I am obsession I am broken, and I don’t see a point in anything.

What Is Happening (Poem)

For now, all I can do is rhyme, try to put order back in my disorder.

Really though, I could do with knowing what is mine,

negativity seems to be the only thing I can find.

I want to be my own person again but thoughts worsen again,

When my vulnerability and disability out way my musical ability.

 

I hate that I cant suss this, I want to be free,

I want people to be free from my mess, my stress and everything else.

Since I can’t rage quit, I guess this is a forced restart,

If only I could erase the faulty data, from my faulty brain.

Then I would just need to delete the pain in my heart, clean for a new start.

 

I don’t have a plan, I cant figure a strategy,

I’m just trying not to feel anything,

But it all catches up to me,

Then I am paralysed, overwhelmed, suicidal again.

I don’t know, what is happening but I can see its happening.

I can feel, the dull sadness, the hopeless wondering.

A feeling too distant to describe, an emotion I’ll try my best to hide.

If I Wasn’t Me (Poem)

If I wasn’t me, I wouldn’t be depressed, I Wouldn’t be obsessed.

If I wasn’t me, I could be cold, be like, “fuck that bitch”

If I wasn’t me, I wouldn’t be so sensitive, I wouldn’t be so empathetic.

If I wasn’t me, I could be properly angry, I could hurt, the way I have been hurt.

 

I’m past fucking shit up, I’m past all of this.

I’m depressed, so what, I’m obsessed, you know that.

I want to express this and be done,

I’m not doing this for fun, it feels over done, but there’s nothing new under the sun.

 

For fuck sake, give me time, to recover.

My whole life is falling apart, and she couldn’t care less.

My mind is coming unglued, my heart is beating a distorted beat- so me!

Everything is moving and everyone is leaving and I don’t feel like breathing.

They say, I’m apparently supposed to be grieving!

I don’t have time for that, I’m too numb for that.

If I wasn’t me, I could do this alone,

If I wasn’t me, I could just simply live in my own home.

If I wasn’t me I feel like I wouldn’t need nobody and I could just be!

Catch Me (Poem)

That time of night, when thoughts I’ve spent the day running from. catch me.

Please catch me though, catch me, break my fall, come in, break down my walls.

Come hide with me, thank you for making me feel like I matter. Thank you, it matters.

 

I wish I could say, you make me want to stay.

Please don’t take that the wrong way,

Right now, nothing makes me want to fully stay,

but your love goes a long way.

Kind of like the promise of sleep

at the end of the worlds worse day.

 

I love you, I really do, I really fucking do!

I just wish I didn’t feel so full of nothing.

I wish I didn’t always feel like I’m somehow in your way.

I wish the angels in your words were louder, then my demons and their noises.

 

The Fixer (Poem)

I don’t want to live in reality, I want to live in fantasy.

She is beautiful, she is light, she is the fixer and I am the broken.

I am the Broken, I am the ill, she moved on because she can.

I am a moth to the light, she was my butterfly in the dark.

 

I’m trying to find one thing I don’t love about her,

I’m trying to find one thing I can love about me.

I love every possible thing about her.

I don’t like any thing about me, the only thing I could ever love about me was her.

 

 

These hopes, these dreams, they all feel so obsolete – like these poems.

She doesn’t read them, she doesn’t see them. I feel deleted!

I don’t remember a time before her, never been an adult before her.

She loved me in places I’ve always hated, she’s gone and I cant take it!

Love Me Enough To Set Me Free (poem)

I need a reason, not to catch a train with my face,

I’m sick of feeling my feelings, I’m tired of this place.

Don’t you get it yet? I don’t want to be here or anywhere.

I’m done with care, I don’t want the hassle, I can’t handle.

I’m as much of a number as anyone of you but I can’t divide or multiply.

Divide my soul from the body, multiply the body, rip it from the whole!

 

Its not so much that I want to die, its more a case of me not wanting to live!

I feel like, I’ve given all I can give, so tie the noose, help me give in!

Any way out, has to be better than the place inside.

I’m stuck in my head, stuck with myself and I despise myself.

I don’t want help, I don’t want attention, I want out, did I fail to mention.

 

I can’t be anything I want to be, don’t make me be something I don’t want to be.

I can’t feel anything I want to feel. Please don’t make me feel what I don’t want to feel.

If you’re looking for a recovery, don’t look at me. Love me enough, to set me free!

A Problem With Problems

Life has me up against a wall, with a knife at my throat.

Tears stream down my face, as the knife is plunged into me,

If only it wasn’t blunt, if only the ache had a purpose.

I grab the knife, try to pluck out my eyes, I’m done seeing.

The blade is dead, like the places in my head and the love in my heart.

 

I don’t want the world, I just want to live, when I rarely want to.

As of right now I barely want to, scratch that, I really don’t want to.

I’m done with fighting just to feel somewhat equal.

I’m done with pretending, I’m done with hiding from pain and feeling I am to blame.

I really just don’t want to wake up, I really just want to give up, let me give up!

I joke about, downing cyanide with my medication, muscle relaxant and anti depressants.

If I could take them all, have no doubt, the intent is there.

I’m not bound to this chair or this body I’m bound to this life, I’m alive by default.

I cant “go home” down here I have problems, up there I am a problem, with problems.

I’m gone, I’m done, so gone, so done, I just wish I had the ability, to go through with this!