Monthly Archives: December 2017

Quick thoughts On my 2017

My thoughts on my 2017, the short version, is that its been a head fuck of a year.

 

I have spoke/written about my love life at tedium, I wont bore you. I was blissfully happy and then when that fell apart, so did I. my live in care package of six years dropped my package, so I had to deal with starting a fresh. Its been exhausting, I want so bad to not have to deal with my problems, I feel stuck, I mean my faith in life is non existent, I’m now looking at employing a fourth care provider in 9 months. Its such a frustrating process, but it’s a necessity for me but I really cant be bothered to be fed shit by care managers who see me as business. They all sound so positive but when it comes to putting their words into action all of a sudden, it’s a different story.

 

I don’t want to be completely negative with this post, in fact the main reason I’m writing this is to acknowledge and thank the positive influences in my life, to be completely honest, I don’t deserve the love and support shown from friends and family. I’m talking about the likes of Dave, stepping in multiple times this year to help me train new carers and negotiate with care companies, its difficult for me to put into words the gratitude I have for what you have done for me this year, thank you. Amanuel, you’ve seen me at my happiest and I did warn you that, happiness isn’t usual for me, thanks for being patient Your not too bad for a god botherer! Ego in general, I’m so proud to be a part of this criminally insane and criminally undervalued community, I honestly sincerely hope that my lack of physical presence hasn’t cast any doubt about how much I value ego and how much I want to have a positive impact on ego. It deserves so much more credit than it seems to get.

 

Obviously I don’t have the energy to write about each individual family member but you have to know how much I love you all, Otherwise why would I keep coming back to a shit hole like Ashington. There is one Family member I have to mention that’s Lil Pop himself, Tyler, we’ve had some mental times as of late haven’t we, you really should be dead, but your not and when you do fully recover I hope we can continue to do what we love, questionable humour and terrible sleeping patterns, seriously though I couldn’t have coped without you at times this year. I’m not asking you to come straight back down to Coventry as soon as your discharged, not even in a few months, a big part of me doubts you’ll be back in 2018 and that’s fine, Tyler, like I’ve said before having you down in Coventry has never been about you helping me out, its been about helping each other I hope. Please look after yourself and if you need anything, you know where I am!

 

My plans for 2018… maybe blog more, I definitely want to be more involved with ego! Also I want to grow some sort of audience for my poetry and music, aside from that I cant really plan anything while my care isn’t settled. That’s it, see you in 2018

3AM Thoughts (Poem)

 

Sitting here, talking with my 3AM thoughts.

Reviewing my reoccurring themes, rhymes come easy,

when thoughts spawn rapidly, I’m dead inside, I try to run and hide.

I could have been, so much more than this, now I don’t even want to try.

 

I’m terrified by my one true desire, to be loved,

I doubt I’ll ever believe it, if ever I do receive it.

I’m still burning, from the last time, by the only one,

How can she move on so fast, its simple, she was never even here.

How do I move on, when I have all of this, on constant repeat?

 

Trust me, I get how pathetic I am,

Don’t dare say, I’m not trying.

You try living a life, where the only thing,

you look forward to, is dying .

Same Endings (Poem)

I’m trying to get out of my own way, trying to push it all away.

I’m trying not to think, not to think anything, cause I think wrong.

I don’t want to feel anything, I don’t want to feel.

My mind is the problem, no visible scars, but believe me, I’m self harming.

 

I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to go.

I don’t know what I want, but any of this, is none of it.

Cause nothing inside feels right, yet nothing is left inside.

This stuff, follows me, no matter where I go, I’ll still feel unworthy, I’m crazy!

 

I feel, like I’ve tried everything, from medication, to therapy,

To pretending, even overspending, but I’m always coming to the same endings.

It seems the missing parts of me, are irreplaceable and the damage isn’t fixable

Life Is Relentless (Poem)

Tell me, how am I supposed to be, mindful when I have a mind full!

I’m running on empty, nobody can help me,

I’m a fraction away from writing one of THOSE notes,

I cant keep doing any of this, I don’t want to live anything like this.

 

I’m a drain on resources, I’m a waste of your time.

I don’t know why, I’m supposed to be alive.

I am the problem, its my mind, its my body, its all of me.

I want to, go to a place and never comeback.

 

I cling to the fact that, I am independent but that is no longer fact.

My mind is powerless, my depression is overbearing and life is relentless.

I don’t want the care I need and I’ve always been a problem.

I’m sick of only feeling different shades of shit.

I’m sick of rewording, the simple phrase, I want to die.

Off point (Poem)

 

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m heading.

As I sit uncomfortably with these issues, with these wasted lines,

I’m sick, I’m dizzy, I physically ache, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Shove your damn demands, acting like, you have legs to stand on.

What you going to do? I’ll gladly see the back of you.

 

I’m way too over all of this,

I constantly hurt, I tempt suicide daily, in my mind.

I am treated like I’m nothing everyday, this is old.

Stop asking me to move back to a place where all this began.

I need to love you from a far, if this place kills me, that’s on me.

 

I’m long dead anyway, I just wish you’d forget me.

I wish I was cold enough, to really see this through.

I won’t. recent events Have reminded me, how much grief hurts,

I’d rather live miserably maybe, than put anyone through that.

 

I’ve meandered off point, with this poem,

Kind of like the way my life is going.

I used to be so sure, that I had a message, I had a point

Now my goal, is not to, give in to, my fucked up obsessions.

Red Tape Fetish

 

I don’t believe in god, yet I have many.

No I don’t see a need to compromise,

But your in charge but this is my life, imagine my surprise.

My dignity is subject to your red tape fetish.

 

If you really wanted to help me, you’d let me live my life.

My way has worked fine, for yours I don’t have time.

I don’t know whether to scream you out my home, are laugh you out.

Don’t pretend your “on my side” I’m physically retarded, not mentally.

 

You’ve caused nothing but problems, your supposed to solve problems.

Just shut up, just let me be, this is my life, just let me be, I’m about to snap.

I struggle with wanting to live, I asked you to help, you took the cash and left.

I see straight through all of you, its time one of us left, Your move!

Kind of Like God… but real!

 

Its mad cause, the other night, I wrote a typical poem,

While you were waiting, to be seen. It was all about my ex,

This was all before it was next level, one minute it was a severe migraine,

The next it was a bleed to the brain, Fuck! They wouldn’t tell us nothing,

Like this patient wasn’t my cousin, like I couldn’t be trusted or something.

 

Right now, I know shit, you know less.

But your still here, and you best believe I’m there with you.

We all are, I’m not saying, I’m not scared, I’m not saying its going to be easy.

I’m saying, as always, where ever you end up, I’m with you.

Even when you don’t want me, I’m there, kind of like god… but real!

 

I hate not being able to get through to you,

My silence is only cause, I don’t want to frustrate you.

I’m not ignoring you, although I’m probably boring you.

I’m writing this, still trying to grasp all of this.

We were just at a show last week,

But yesterday I was just pleased you could grasp my hand!

 

My helplessness helps nothing.

Listen though, from now on it all gets better,

From now on it all stops, and it all starts.

I mean living, I mean really wanting to,

We have to, we need to,

Both of us need to be around for the families.

We have gigs to go to and shit to achieve!

I love you more than you could ever believe.