Monthly Archives: February 2018

Trapped (Poem)

I wish it wasn’t this way, I wish this wasn’t so grey.

If only there was something, someone could say, to take it all away.

I cant put a finger on why I have survived today, but I have.

Suicide becomes, the only logical Solution, when your done with just existing.

To just exist, is no way to exist, there’s no use trying when I’m like this!


I’ll box myself in, caged with my distain, for the hell I’m living in,

Don’t fucking love me, don’t say you want me, I don’t deserve you.

Just don’t remember me, I cant cope, there’s no hope.

If you could feel, the mess and utter emptiness, would you know?

I cant describe the burnt out parts of my soul, all this life has took from me.


I’m scared of the mere feeling, trauma doesn’t cut it,

Worthlessness, I need an out, take me out.

Memories and half memories all broken up,

The broken pieces, still cut beneath my skin.

Today I want to live, but tomorrow I don’t know.

Be Alive Again (Poem)


I have an Itch, I need to do something, I want to dive.

Dive into the see of what I can be, really explore reality.

I have the urge, to run, run head first into, what I have been running from.

I do have a story to tell, do you? Mind if I tell it, I have a dream let me sell it.


I am more than these words, I am more than your raised eyebrow.

Spastic jokes aside, fuck it, I am more than all of that,

I get stuck between feeling meaningless and meaningful.

I want to somehow show you the parts of my soul, before I fall.

I have so much I want to do, I need to, I need to, I don’t need you.


Do you get it, I don’t think, you do.

I need to drown in my depression.

I need to hit restart and refresh to revive.

I need to kiss my fears, survive them and overcome.

Within that ethos, I will find a direction, I will be alive Again

Me and My Sadness (Poem)


Me and my sadness, we’re giving each other the silent treatment, the silence is deafening.

I’ve been staring at it for hours, trying to, make it cower away, it stares back,

A look so piercing it devours, everything in my surroundings.

Are you done, I ask, partly choking on my words, please be done, I’m done.

Again with this web you’ve spun, my happiness you shun, the poison in my fun.


My sadness, calls my true happiness false, even unattainable, its really fucking convincing!

Its aggressive too, it isn’t content with me just listening, I must engage.

I’m pretty ashamed, to admit, it feels like it almost always wins.

Telling me all my sins, showing me all of these fucking things, it tells me to give in!

All these things it shows me, it knows me, exactly how to hurt me, what is me?


Self care, is for people, it tells me mockingly.

Since when have you, been worth it, I’m here and you deserve it, you know it.

I dare you, stop writing, will anyone notice? Stop existing, quit stalling!

A family, really, you! Look at you, LOOK. AT. YOU!

Its just me and you, no one with a sound mind, will ever look at you, let alone love you.

You think you have so much to say, go on say it then, we both know you’re afraid.

Afraid to face up to the reality, that no one wants to listen, your words aren’t worth it.


I am afraid, to say the things in my brain,

I’m afraid, you’ll give up on me and walk away before I’ve said what I need to say.

My sadness then tells me, to give up, before you do, its just easier that way.


Its right, look at me, LOOK. AT. ME!

My sadness, is all I have, its so hard, for me to believe in anything else,

Am I a person? What happens if I stop writing, literally nothing.

What happens if I stop being?


Down Down Down Up Down (Poem)

Fuck writing a poem, lets write a book,

I’m on an up swing, I want to make an album, dude I’ll even sing.

In this mood, I feel like, I could do anything, thoughts are blistering.

I cant control them , I don’t believe I own them, you damn right I condone them.


Everything now! I said everything now!!!

Don’t ask me how I don’t know how,

Right lets, write, right now, until there’s nothing left.

I am fun Kyle, the artist, the laughing the joking joker.

My head goes, down, down, down, up then back down,

But tonight, we’re in luck, cause I’m up and I don’t give a fuck.


Lets do this, whatever this is,

I swear I’m okay, I swear I’ll be okay,

I’m going to make music, I’m not going to lose it,

I bet I can talk better, I bet I’ll be like this for ever.


Oh fuck, the night is ending, but I’m not ready to end yet.

When I’m up, I never want to sleep, when I’m down I never want to wake,

Why am I like this, no its coming, no I’m falling, fuck there’s no stalling, it wont wait, Fuck!

Just In Case (Poetry)


In this room, I say, actually I think about killing myself everyday,

I need to be honest, I don’t deal with my insides, when I’m here.

Now the care is good, now Tyler is away for awhile.

I must tell you, I don’t want to be alive, I’m not over her, I write about it a lot.


After a pause, she speaks and I listen,

The gist is, I was happy before, she tells me I can be again,

No certainty, of course uncertainty is a certainty,

It feels like, she is saying, I should stay alive, just in case I can be happy again,

That seems so fucking stupid, I know sadness will follow me, its fucking swallowed me!

Wake up and live, an effort I must give, find busy-ness In not what is no longer,

Find busy-ness in not my sadness, find busy-ness in not ending this.


I have to pull this faith from nowhere,

Arrange meet ups, go to places with no-one I know there.

Smile at strangers, in case they see past the wheelchair.

Live with the knowledge of my sadness, live with the intent of happiness.    


A Picture Paints a Thousands Words (Poems)

I was waiting, for this to happen,

Log on to Facebook, to find a paralysing memory,

That photo, that one, the one where I got you back.

The caption, a picture paints a thousand words, Yes it does.

I thought, I would be ready, I thought this wouldn’t hurt me


I remember that day vividly, how cocky, the happiness made me,

When I saw you for the first time in years, You were beautiful, you are beautiful!

It was actually amazing, to feel that, to feel excited about existing in your world.

I would have done anything, to make it work, the tattoo of a giraffe, that gesture,

That song, that proposal, just for you, I wasn’t who I was before, I was yours, For sure


That photo, is just the beginning, there’ll be more.

Instead of in my head, kind of fuzzy, they’ll be on my screen in 1080!

I could just log off I could just deactivate, or I could actually decide to feel.

Feel that love burning me, feel the hurt feel the soar, feel it all.

I want to be done running, I want to feel, in order to one day live again.


I’m So Fucking Tired (Poem)


I’m tired, I’m so fucking tired.

Of myself and my bullshit.

I may not end my own life, hasn’t it already happened?

But, you already know, what’s in my head.

I hurt in slow motion, feeling what I can never be.


I am surrounded by my limitations, I’m suffocated by my malfunction,

I feel like, a corpse, these thoughts, they fucking hound me!

Closure for my wounds, my body fills a tomb.

Speak it though, clearly talk, no wonder she wanted more.


All I’m going to do is, write some more,

In an attempt at being busy, being something.

I’m tired, so fucking tired, of vaguely remembering being happy,

Then I nose dive, in to the “why’s” why wouldn’t she hear me,

Why should I even fucking care, why the fuck aren’t I there,

Why the fuck can’t I get over this and why must I still suffer here!  

I’ve Been Working

I’ve been working, I’ve been working on improving,
I’ve been trying to get past the hurt and overcome the worst.
It isn’t any easier, trying to live with, the fact, I’m not the one for her.
I stumble through my days, fumble my recovery and tumble downwards.
As I fall, I hit every memory and scrape my skin on my obsessive behaviours.
At the bottom of this pit, I feel every kiss, every this, that is no more,
I feel it all, in reverse.
This is the hardest thing to feel,
This is the easiest thing to write about.
I have emotions, visions, memories on constant cycle.
I have been trying to hide from them, not to be controlled by them.
The desire not to feel or truly confront them, is overbearing.
On my best days, I see me, Alive.
I see success, I see a wife, some kids I see me having a life.
My best days, are my rare days, moments really,
The darkness feels endless, on the days of my sadness.
I feel, I am nothing, I was nothing and I will live to be nothing.
Suicide aside, on these days, in these weeks through these months,
I see no way through, no real reason to not, take myself out.

A Year On (Poem)


A Year on, this is, how far I’ve fallen,

I genuinely Hope, I’m drunk enough to choke on my own vomit.

Let’s pretend I’m okay… Lets pretend, this is a Poem And not a death wish.

It is strange indeed, to survive a suicide you never attempted.

Yet I planned it, yet I plan it, on the nightly, you said, you fucking loved me.

I’m still unstable, read this poem, read my corpse You said you fucking loved me!


I’m clearly not worth the grief, I’m clearly living the grief.

I’m nothing, to the only person, preventing my self imposed funeral.

Forgive me, I want you, I want you to hurt like me, I’m no big man!

All I could have given, and all that I can be, will never be enough.

I guess you could say I’m obsessed, cause I either want you, or I want death!

I really fucking do! I’m done trying, next chance I get, I’m gone!


There is not a legitimate part of me, wanting to live this life.

I’m not Alive for me, I’m around for everyone else, Fuck my life.

Sober or drunk, I’m still dead inside, I still have no place to hide!

Please, just know, the pain I feel is way too real for me to feel.

I would do anything to live without this, trust me, given the chance, I would Die!