Kind of Like God… but real!

 

Its mad cause, the other night, I wrote a typical poem,

While you were waiting, to be seen. It was all about my ex,

This was all before it was next level, one minute it was a severe migraine,

The next it was a bleed to the brain, Fuck! They wouldn’t tell us nothing,

Like this patient wasn’t my cousin, like I couldn’t be trusted or something.

 

Right now, I know shit, you know less.

But your still here, and you best believe I’m there with you.

We all are, I’m not saying, I’m not scared, I’m not saying its going to be easy.

I’m saying, as always, where ever you end up, I’m with you.

Even when you don’t want me, I’m there, kind of like god… but real!

 

I hate not being able to get through to you,

My silence is only cause, I don’t want to frustrate you.

I’m not ignoring you, although I’m probably boring you.

I’m writing this, still trying to grasp all of this.

We were just at a show last week,

But yesterday I was just pleased you could grasp my hand!

 

My helplessness helps nothing.

Listen though, from now on it all gets better,

From now on it all stops, and it all starts.

I mean living, I mean really wanting to,

We have to, we need to,

Both of us need to be around for the families.

We have gigs to go to and shit to achieve!

I love you more than you could ever believe.  

I’m Sorry, Really (Poem)

 

I apologise for not being a fighter, depression is as toxic as my ex lover.

I’m sorry for all this heaviness, I’m sorry for the lack of hope, I swear I’m sorry.

I’m perpetually guilty, Perpetually Angry, I’m not anyone I’d like to be.

I heard, Success has as much to do, with the reaction to failure,

than it has to do with hard work and ability.

Where does that leave me? I’ve lost my work ethic and getting up is too much effort.

 

Inside I am glass though, so fragile, so sharp, but I only cut myself.

I think about the past, I think about uni, I think about you and me.

That feels like a different life a different me with different plans.

So I apologise for not living up to my own demands.

I should be better than this, I used to be better than this!

 

I’m sorry to my family, Christmas is so close and I’m so scared.

Down here I can hide, facing you is like facing reality,

Like everyone is building there family, making a future and I just can’t.

I’m sorry to my friends, I go off radar, I go scaling buildings, with my obsessive thoughts. You always show up to talk me down.

I try to put a wall up but you always see through.

I feel as though I can never really thank you,

I feel as though I’m never there for you.

 

I really do want to get better but I don’t believe I can.

I apologise profusely, for the way I’ve changed,

believe me, this was never the plan.

I’ve lost sight of all sense emotionally,

Somewhere beneath these negative thought patterns and destructive behaviours,

Is a life worth living and a man worth saving, I only hope he’s still reachable.    

I Don’t Want To Be Alive (Poem)

 

 

I don’t want to be alive, because I don’t know, what to do with my life,

Evidently it seems, I’m not good enough, at the only thing I’m any good at.

Poetry is therapy, but I want my music to be my profession or at least garner attention.

Yes I want your attention, I want you to like me, teach me to love me.

 

I don’t want to be alive because everything hurts and I always feel empty.

I don’t want to be alive because I will never have a family.

I don’t want to be alive because I can never feel loved, so I cant be happy.

I don’t want to be alive because I will never have enough control.

 

I don’t want to be alive because when I go, I’ll be gone and you’ll forget.

I don’t want to be alive because my suicidal ideation has become boring.

I don’t want to be alive because I’ve lost a place to call home.

I don’t want to be alive because I feel like nothing, so I should be nothing.  

The Cycle Continues, The Pattern repeats.

 

In all honesty, I’m done, in every single way,

Firstly I’m done with this… retard, I know its not nice to say.

There is no other way and you expect me to live this way.

Don’t dare try to act a friend, I play pretend too, lies never end.

Fuck your rules, fuck your procedures, I’m too fucked to try.

Care is the least of my worries,

still seeking a feasible suicide, I’m alive and I don’t know why.

 

I’m in love with a ghost, been dead, since April made me a fool.

Ever since Swansea, you have lost me, ever since the loss and the cruelty.

Instead of any kind of future, all I see is my past and all I done wrong.

Guard up, hope gone, thoughts become habitual, feelings become scars.

Why live when you have nothing to give, why give if you have no reason to live.

All this talent I supposedly have, yet I feel so unheard, so invalid, so pointless.

 

Where do I go from here? What do I do with this?

Everything seems to hurt, every day seems to feel worse.

Thought. Trigger. Pain. Distraction. Medication. Sleep.

The cycle continues, The Pattern repeats.

My New EP Is Out Now!!!!

Unstable is Available Everywhere Now

Unstable is my new EP and I’m really proud of it, it does what I love about music, hopefully it lets you in, the whole idea to make this project came from my last release I Love You. I have always wanted to get my words into my music in a way that suits my style and I think I nailed my style going forward in a vocal sense, I loved the feeling of being heard and really laying my emotions bare and I knew that I was in the same place emotionally to make an EP out of all the issues I was feeling. Its certainly not a pleasant listen, I’m inviting you in to a mind of a heart broken depressed person who quite frankly isn’t alive by choice a lot of the time. While I was writing all the music and lyrics, I was dealing with a lot of things really fast and I wasn’t ready for any of it. It really pushed me past broken point hence why its all very dark, its honest.

Track 1 “Intro” Unfortunately Chester Bennington died in july and the sample I use at the very beginning just really screamed to me, like his whole message. is that dark place chester is talking about. The intro track was Purposely produced in a minimal way, I’m usually really really concerned about my music sounding big, beefy and complex but this track is much more of a narrative so I knew that I could be much more subtle musically, have one bass line, one kick, one melody for the samples to sit on top of, the samples I used along with the links to the original videos from which I pulled them are below.

Chester Bennington – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC_-zeWYMYo&t=87s

Cayleigh Elise – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaEds0Wuvpc

Hannah Dains https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ktdf2KQ58c

Reagan Myers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zr16eHb4YNU

Boogie 2988 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tm8LGxTLtQk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKI_oYMUNK4

 

 

Track 2 “I Love You” I wrote recorded and produced this track in between April and may and its comprised of many different lines from various poems I had wrote coming out of a relationship that I wanted to have desperately. It was the experiment that worked, musically its still as dark as I’ve always been but with the vocals its more than just a piece of atmospheric track it feels real.

 

Track 3 “Broken But Alive” when I started this track, I was at my sisters house and I’d just been let go by my care company, so I was forced to take a break from life in a way but had to very rapidly find a new care provider in order to continue living independently and everything just felt broken but I was alive, like it or not I had to deal with this. I wrote the music planning to do another vocal track but it just wasn’t working, musically its just weird frantic and unwillingly upbeat.

 

Track 4 “So Gone” in my head this track is a sequel to track 2 (I Love You), only a different level of sadness. The track is about not wanting to be alive, its about the feeling of total despair, begging for a way out. Its deliberately chaotic in terms of vocal lines overlapping, I wanted to replicated the obsessive nature of my negative thought patterns and unforgiving relentlessness of depression in general. Musically this reminds me of Korn quite a lot not in terms of heaviness just in terms of weird unsettling melody and detuned creepiness, it just feels so bleak, so lost, so sad.

I hope you give or have given Unstable a listen, please let me know what you think be honest to, a negative reaction is still a reaction. Thanks for Your Time.

You can download and stream “Unstable” on all digital music distribution services Including. Apple Music. Tidal. Spotify. Deezer. Amazon Music and many more. Links Below!
Apple Music – https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/unstable-ep/1306635034
Spotify – https://open.spotify.com/album/1T2FbDIVdt1SavBMXJb2VI           
Deezer – http://www.deezer.com/album/51018612?utm_source=deezer&utm_content=album-51018612&utm_term=1417604182_1510533249&utm_medium=web
Amazon music – http://amzn.eu/hVrAtHk

What If This Is It (Poem)

 

Worth, Value, Cost.

The cost of existing, Feels so high.

I lack the ability to function happily in this society.

I cant really “pay my way”, trained in creation, skilled in feeling.

I compose I produce, I bleed internally, still no-one is hearing me.

 

My art is everything, I am nothing.

Screaming and crying, don’t you see I’m dying.

Dying to feel worth the space, my brokenness wastes.

What if theres no way out, what if this is it?

I live, I lose, I replay my past self, my past life, while I eternally Fade away

 

We all know, I’m not okay

I can tell, you lack, the words to say.

I sense that you want me to be over this,

I feel like your, sick of this me, you want the old me back.

Friend I hate to inform you, that I agree.

Yet it seems, he’s dead and your stuck with me, I’m so very sorry

It Would Be Nice (Poem)

It sure would be nice, to feel clean, really clean.

It would be magnificent to feel comfortable, truly comfortable.

It would be amazing to feel anything close to safe, anything close!

It would be something, if I could outwardly emote, properly break down.

 

This sadness, these obsessions this darkness,

It is heavy, so fucking heavy, still not over my dad dying.

I still don’t know what is real and what is obsession.

I still detest my body and shape, still avoid the sound of my voice.

Still really really love her, still really really hate every part of me.

I try, I really do, I try not to feel empty, I try and at least tolerate myself.

Its not a case of shaking myself, you say that to ease your discomfort.

 

It would be nice to consider happiness

It would be special to believe in the myth.

It would feel nice and warm to slip away from myself.

It would be something, to feel a part of any one of you.

Black is The Soul (Poem)

 

It keeps going… like it or not it keeps going.

The internal, the external, this life.

Another poem about how I don’t want to go on.

All this has been going on for so long.

I’ve lost all foundation, I cant seem to move on.

 

I am broken, only I can fix me,

I am broken and I have nothing left to fix me.

I die, you move on, I die I move on.

Please help me, please forget me, please regret me.

 

Black is the soul, dark is the whole it seems.

Swallowed by my hole, circling the inescapable void.

Trying, you watch me fall. Dying in front of you all.

All is noise, all is gone from me, life please let me be!

Stay The Night (Poem)

 

After show come down, late night feelings thing,

Tell me, there is something, worth this inescapable ache.

I feel this every time, it aches worse, every time,

I feel my loneliness, I fear I’m only this, might as well own this.

 

Tell me, you see beyond the obvious, tell me I don’t have to be hopeless.

Say you will someday want me, don’t you dare ever feel sorry for me.

Tell me, that I don’t always have to feel so lonely,

Come to me, say I am worth the fight, tell me you will stay the night!

 

Tell me, its going to be okay, say I have a reason to live.

Make me remember the old me, I’m trying and I want you to see.

Untie this invisible rope, she tied for me, eclipse the hurt, reverse the trauma.

Hold my hand, heal these scars, erase my bitterness, fill my emptiness.

 

Do You Feel Dead Enough Yet? (Poem)

 

Follow me, feel a piece of me.

Come to this ugly space, save me from my empty place.

I live with ghosts and monsters, I burn through the positives.

I wrestle in my night terrors, I wake up a void. I struggle and avoid.

Loveless and bottomless, ultimately, ready to quit, a feeling, a thought.

 

My gut says, lets try, my brain says no, my heart asks why haven’t we died!

Predictable, repetitive, motionless, spineless. Disgusted and dejected.

I’m strung up in these shackles, this illness, this disability, this messed up mentality.

If found, please love me, please kill me. They both feel alike, both destroy.

 

I just wrote something out of my nothingness,

An attempt to calibrate the distortions.

A reach for substance within my emptiness.

Do you feel dead enough yet? Do I get to feel alive yet?