Sorry for the lack of a full length blog, too much has happened and i took the opportunity to Launch a podcast
I again have left this Blog space thingy neglected for over 3 months and my domain and hosting fee is up so I guess I should write. Sorry to leave you all (all four of you,) waiting. Since the last time I wrote a lot of awesome things have happened and some really sad shit has happened. Shall we begin?!
In October I had the absolute pleasure of Performing in my second show with Ego Performance company. My previous show with Ego was aimed at children and although I enjoyed the team work part of being in the production the show itself was tedious to go over again and again, it was a kids show so it wasn’t meant to stimulate the likes of me but the Kids loved it. However our last show entitled ‘The Last Sucker’ was aimed at adults and the story was hilarious. I played a mummies boy vampire Rock Star called Daz or Daffodil. The show was about a group of Christian missionary scouty type tourists who get lost and end up in a cave which is home to a family of vampires as well as famous historical figures who are actually vampires such as Lord Lucan, Sparticus and Jesus Mother Fucking Christ. My nemesis in the show was my adopted 46 year old baby brother who was a vulgar mouthed perverted man trapped inside a baby’s body. The Show was incredibly fun and I love the Ego crew so much as soppy as it sounds they are the closest thing I have to family in Coventry.
This is the part that I wish I didn’t have to write. After our final show night we lost one of our cast and ego family member Monty. I’m not going to dwell too much on what happened to Monty, Instead let me tell you about the Monty I knew, I didn’t know him for very long but he certainly left a lasting impression. Monty was very open about mental illness, he suffered from Bi-Polar Disorder and he noticed that I was a bit down on Facebook one day and left a comment or a message and invited me to a Facebook support group which he was admin for and he’d pop up from time to time on my chat and showed genuine care for me. I wish I made more of an effort to get to know Monty more but unfortunately it wasn’t to be. Losing Monty undoubtedly brought the group closer and it made me really want to take chances and do more and just disobey my anxiety which stops me from socialising. I love Ego because I feel like they care and I care for them. I may seem detached and disinterested but I’m not I love you guys!
December was the month of the day and featured one of the best days of my life. It was the month where I would meet Korn. On the 1st of the month my cousin came down, we had arrange to see Bullet For My Valentine months prior to Korn even announcing tour dates so everything fell into place. Before any gig Though, I took my cousin to Ego so he could show them how to get me out my chair should we ever need to do that in my acty thingymajig! We then attended a charity gig for Montys funeral costs and it was awesome, so much talent on show and ego generally has such genuine positive Vibes. I was chuffed to have my music played during MCultra’s set. MCultra are fellow Ego members Emily and Jason we talked about doing music together for months but I think I was too shy. I didn’t know whether our styles would mesh but as I mentioned before I want to take more chances and I’m pleased I did. MCultra seems to be nothing like the Emily and Jason I know from ego. I suppose that’s where they get there name from. They are loud ,smart, free and full of attitude and I think the music I tend to make compliments their style. We had an amazing night at Montys do, nothing we could do would ever erase the pain of grief but I imagine it must have been awesome for the family and loved ones of Monty to feel the love we had for him.
To be honest the Bullet For My Valentine gig was a bit of a let down, some parts due to our excitement for the Korn meet and greet and some parts down to my planning. You see I was trying to be cost effective so instead of getting my carer to drive myself and cousin to the venue from Coventry to Birmingham which would also include him going back home before coming to pick us up, I decided we’d just get a train to and from the gig. I normal Human would of checked the returning train times long before the show. Not this spastic! Me in all my wisdom didn’t check when the last train was until halfway through the second support acts set! The last train was way before 11 and we would be walking to the station meaning we had to leave 2 or 3 songs into Bullets’ set! I would have been more pissed of if this was the main event of the month!
So, lets talk about the Korn meet and greet gig. In case you don’t know me that well let me explain why this was a big deal for me. I have been listening to Korn since the age of seven when I would go to my dads on the weekends. One day he put Korns’ first home ‘Who Then Now’ on for me to watch and from then on I have idolized this band. They showed me that it was ok to cry, that it was fine to be different. Korn has always been there for me through everything. When I saw Korn play on their 20th anniversary I told my aunty that I would have to buy a meet and greet ticket one day. So around October 2016 when Korn Announced Their up coming UK Tour I knew I had to do it and I’m glad I did, from the moment my booking was confirmed I was living for that day and it never really felt real until after the show. I knew that there would be no way that I would be able to get any words out of any meaning on the day, so I decided to write them a letter, heres what I wrote;
Dear Korn? Even writing this knowing you will read this amazes me in ways I cant explain. I wanted to write this as I don’t think I’ll get anything out of my mouth on the day I meet you. My name is Kyle and I’m here with my cousin Tyler and your band and what Korn does has profoundly changed our lives. My dad got us both hooked to the band long ago, I’ve been hooked since age 7.
We come from a place where being different is not an easy life choice. Your music has gave me so much. You taught me that it was fine to be different and that I could use all the mess I have in my mind for good. Poetry and music are both outlets for me because of you guys.
I have suffered from depression all my life and was recently diagnosed with OCD and Korn has helped me through it all, there has been times where Korn has seemed the only thing good in my life, the only thing worth living for. I would not be who I am today without Korn, your music has helped me accept myself, embrace being an outsider and succeed at life despite maybe not having the best environment to do so. You have also taught be to forgive and to be thankful for those that love me and for those I love.
I know you hear this all the time but I hope you know that Korn is more than music to me and I genuinely don’t believe I can thank you enough for helping me through so much, from a young child getting stared at and being very aware of the fact I was a freak, to who I am right now, still a freak but a freak that owns it. Once again,
thank you for everything,
On the morning of the big day I printed out 2 copies of this although I wish I printed out more as I could of give one to each member. There was no need for any caffeine this day. me and my cousin left the house with extra battery’s and a sat nav along with my Korn Doll. we missed our first train but we left way way early and got into Birmingham for like 1pm and we didn’t need to be at the venue till 3:30pm. Our excitement spiralled as it became more apparent that we were on a journey to meet our idols, on a journey to complete a dream. This band is more then a band without them I wouldn’t be making music, I wouldn’t be writing poems. Without this band I very much doubt that I would have survived all my demons. We reached the venue around 2pm and I felt so high but not like weed high like Holy shit I’m about to meet Korn high. My cousin and I had to get cash out so we did and we still had an hour to kill. I don’t remember the exact time but I know we were let in around 4pm. The guy handling the event was Korns’ main videographer Sebastian Paquet which I found surprising simply because he is such an insider I thought it would be a third party. We get into the venue and collect our Swag bag full of VIP goodies the moment drawing ever closer, I was shaking after lining up in the foyer of the meet and greet part of the venue. The doors to the path of where we would end up were opened and I hit record on my voice memo’s app, I wanted to make sure I would remember what was about to happen. Sebastian Led the group through the maze of the back stage arena he seemed hurried but I was to excited to care. We finally all got in line single file and out of nowhere the band appeared, first we heard ray come down the line jokingly saying “single file drummer coming through” it was happening!!! As ray came up the line I spazzed out like a mofo and asked my cousin to get my Korn doll. When ray came to me I managed to say hey and respond to his questions it was fucking awesome, a fun fact is that ray responded to one of my messages on myspace back when he first got the Korn gig. A true gent is Ray! Oh shout out to Florrie before I forget, Florrie was at the VIP meet too, she knows my cousin from ashington and she kindly took videos of me meeting most of the band. Next coming down the line was Fieldy the bass player and as he approached my cousin almost fainted! At this point it dawned on me at this was the format of proceedings and that I would have to give the letter I wrote to an individual member instead of giving it to the band as a whole, so Tyler got my letter and gave it to Fieldy. Fieldy pocketed the letter and said thanks, to be honest fieldy looked distant but he wasn’t a dick he just seemed tired but he was there and this dude is one of my idols so I was just glad he was there! Next up was Munky and I gave him the other letter and he asked if it was for Jonathan to which we replied no its for the band. I felt bad I want every member to know I love them equally and yes I’m aware that these guys are rock stars and probably don’t need there ego stroked but these guys are a huge deal to me. Next to come down the line was Head. Head was a sweetheart he stayed talking to us the most. I told him that the music means everything to me and he got what I said I told him that I’d been listening since I was 7 he seemed really flattered! As he walked away he said “we love you man!” I just tried not to climax! The last member I got to meet was Jonathan it was really surreal to hear the voice that has always been there for me actually acknowledge me in real life he said “hey buddy how are you!” I said thank you for everything as he signed my VIP pass he replied in a very genuine tone “your welcome”. As the video below will show you I also whispered “Oh my God” to myself. After I met each member we continued to cue single file for our photo’s with the band and the guys said hi Again and Head exclaimed Woah I never so those dreads before and pushed them into the photo while I did a little sex wee! We got two photos taken and this is the one they kept.
Once the meet and greet was over Seb, escorted us down to the auditorium floor where Korn would give an exclusive acoustic performance of “Alone I break” and of course I loved it and yes I sang a long with every word.
I’m not going to gush about the gig. If you don’t know that Korn is the greatest live band on earth, then I cant help you. I feel at home at Korn gigs. This band is so special and their fans are die hard we feel each others pain. We recognise the need for release, I swear its spiritual. Special thanks to my Cousin for experiencing this with me, Florrie for taking videos and thanks to marrissa for picking us up from the show!
What a fantastic end to 2016. But without blowing my cover 2017 is shaping up to be the best year of my life. Meeting Korn was a dream come true but what is happening in my life right now is something that I never knew I needed so much. When I can say more I will.
Peace, Love and Sexy times!
For #OCDWEEK I want to share some of my intrusive thoughts in order to show the yucky side of ocd, the side that no-one would want to claim they have. the following post was taken from my personal Facebook Page. I would be happy to answer any questions regarding OCD if you want to leave a comment.
Finally getting round to telling you about some intrusive thoughts… intrusive thoughts are common amongst people with ocd and people in general the difference is that most people can easily dismiss these thoughts as meaningless a person with OCD can’t and they need to do something (a compulsion) to stop the distress of the thoughts.
So last week I was sat in the cafe on lunch break at the Herbert and a mother and a baby was on the next table and my carer got me a coffee, I sipped the coffee and flinched as it was really hot. I then visioned my carer throwing the coffee in the baby’s face, I saw it happen, I heard the baby scream and yup it was awful but obviously its not real, I didn’t really do anything to get rid of the thought I just got on with it, but if I had this thought when I was at my worst I would be thinking about it all week trying to make sure that this scenario won’t happen, it sounds stupid cause that scenario is sooooo bizarre and its a waste of time trying to avoid something so unlikely. That’s what is horrible about ocd we as sufferers know that its illogical we are usually very intelligent but we feel that terrifying feeling that doubt that keeps the cycle going.
This is going to be very stream of conscious from me. I feel like I have stuff to say that may or may not be interesting to you.
Right so having full time care is essential in my life and I’m so lucky to have it and having this amount of care affords me freedom and independence. However I feel like it can also be very restrictive socially and perhaps emotionally. For example I’m depressed a lot and there’s times where I want to just disappear and there’s times where I could tear my home apart and times where I want to make stupid and reckless decisions. I can’t really do any of this. I don’t cry in front of people and I let everything sit. I have full on screaming fits inside.
Its kind of cruel that the people who know me most are paid professionals and that due to rules we can’t be friends, I’m thinking about counsellors here. Every counsellor I’ve met has seemed to like me, I’ve even made a couple counsellors cry when leaving, that kind of thing can’t be faked. I’m told I have value and that If I believe in myself I’ll find happiness but just when I start to believe my treatment is finished and I eventually wash away the closeness and love I feel during counselling. It is not a counsellors job to be responsible for their clients its down to the client, so I’m giving tools of which seem inadequate when put up against years of self hatred and internalised Ableism.
During my 6 month check up with my CBT therapist we discovered that I’m massively ablest not just against myself but every disabled person, I guess I really don’t want to be disabled but does anybody? I see adult disabled people acting lets say immature or embarrassing and I think that a few things happen in my brain. I see this behaviour as being perceived as representative of me and who I am, I look at disabled people and they are me and they are in the way and of course this is really horrible to put out but its not about disabled people its about me As in I’m in the way, my voice, my mannerisms disgust me. Dark as hell I know but that’s just the way I feel but we should always remember that feelings don’t equate to reality. Its hard all of this because evidently I’m my own worst enemy when I should be my own saviour, A romantic relationship wont save me from myself, a full time job wont either, meeting my idols wont, banging my head to the deepest of music wont. It all begins with me, I really need to find myself again and remove all the fear of being judged, its obvious that everyone gets judged, yes I’m very obviously spastic, when I’m stressed, angry, nervous or even excited I’m even more physically distorted and not the me I want anyone to see. I feel like I need to just have awkwardness more, talk to strangers and live like I am confident. A big part of me wants to be this cringey lads lad just so I can say I cant get any worse than that. I don’t actually want to be a lads lad, I just want to be me but I don’t feel that my body represents me. I want to contribute, I want to talk to you, I want to laugh, I want to be naughty in various ways. The question is, how do I get there, another question is, is that who I really am. I’m desperate to be known for my intellect, humour and my artistic world view, I’m well aware of how poncy that may sound. I guess I’m that used to being looked at as the disabled dude by most people that I just want so badly to show them and me that I’m a billion miles away from the shy recluse that I portray.
Thanks for reading!
Oh and while I remember this blog thingy was inspired by my friends video where Jennie discusses her journey in becoming a more confident speaker please check it out!
I was going to write a blog about what I’ve been up to since my last blog, however its taken so long for me to write that, by the time I wrote the second paragraph my mood had changed, this may be short as I want to get something out, it may be rubbish, it may come across as a bit pointless but its something.
I had a good summer, had an awesome time with my cousin staying at mine, I had a good time going to Ashington, the highlight of that was seeing my old respite care family, its hard to know what I’m supposed to call them. Basically they looked after me from the age of 1 till the age of 9 and they loved me to death it seems and I loved them. I only stopped seeing them because, I basically somehow thought my mam would die when I wasn’t at home. Anyway after a few years of trying to find them online, I found Bethany and then Celia and finally got the chance to thank them for what they did, I’m gutted that we didn’t stay in touch, alongside my family and schooling they played a massive part in my Development, Apart from my OCD worries, I only remember good times with Celia Dennis Bethany and Alex. I was very lucky to be part of this family, it helped my mam out immensely cause she was young and she had four of us at the time so having help with me would of helped the whole family out. Anyway I loved seeing all of them its just a shame Dennis isn’t around anymore. I brought back an old picture journal book that Celia kept for me, I’m going to get it scanned and I want to write some poetry inspired by the pictures. I really do appreciate those times because it was before I understood the world and I was happy and in a way I live and succeed for that kid I know that kid wasn’t a problem, that kid deserved love and happiness and so do I.
I came back from Ashington with my gran and my little sister, I loved having them here I loved being a big brother and showing them my independence. I hope they can come back sometime. I wish it happened sooner like 5 years sooner my dad and I were talking about it but I moved into my bungalow the same month he died… the selfish bastard!
Since September I’ve been attending a media art and music type course, not to sound stuck up but in all honesty I’m way over qualified for the course but its something I suppose. I also started an introductory counseling course this week. I’m much more optimistic about getting something from this course, I don’t think I’ll pursue an actual career in counseling but I would love to be able to perhaps volunteer and help others with mental health, I know how terrifying and shitty it can be to go through depression and anxiety, I also know how life changing counseling can be. I may not end up being a great professional counselor but I’ll probably be very disarming and relatable.
Currently my mood is better for Writing this, I think I’m learning that I feel useless if I don’t do anything creative but at the same time I put off doing something because a part of me doesn’t think anything I can do will be good enough therefore whats the point in doing it and what’s the point in starting something if I’m not going to finish it. Its been a weird couple of weeks.
You see, since july 2015 I’ve wanted three things. 1 to be busy. 2 a new Korn album and 3 to see Korn live again.
Well now I am studying and performing 15 hours a week. Korn are releasing a new album next month and have put out 3 songs already. I’ve also bought V.I.P tickets to meet korn and see them play in December. Yet with all of this I’ve been feeling awful, very dark and greyed out and I understand that these feelings are classic depression, however I have no way out, it makes sense when they say that the way out is through. Depression is so old and unoriginal and that’s what annoys me, I can write about it but I’m writing nothing new, but all I can say is that, it is what it is, it is as much a part of me as Cerebral Palsy is, neither define me and I exploit both to create something better.
Love Peace and Sexy times!
Dear life, go get yourself!!!
Good Day Eyeballs of the internet, I’m here to try and un-confuse myself and give you a general sense of where my head is right now. My previous blog was utterly depressing but it was honest, Life is a lot better now, I have a new wheelchair which I can actually Fucking drive! its awesome, its as good as being able to walk.
I have been getting out at least twice a week, with and without help. I managed to take myself to the local train station that was a huge achievement for me, I am well aware of how small that sounds and words cant do it justice, a few months ago I was absolutely crippled with anxiety and thought that I would continue to need more and more support. Now I feel like I want to go out independently and I can. I’m even contemplating doing some marathons for charities I’d even go as far as saying that I want to do the 2017 great north run.
I was a Pirate a couple of weeks ago, I was a pirate and a shrimp… can shrimps be pirates? Can pirates be shrimps? These are the things we fail to answer in our quest for the trivial things in life!.. Allow me to Elaborate, Last summer I joined a performance group with the intention to make friends and make music for their shows. Well, I made a bit of music for their show in October and then I somehow got talked into being in their last play Entitled ”Polly The Pirates Perfect Pet” it was aimed at children and I have to admit I really Enjoyed it. Not so much the performance but just feeling part of something.
A few Weeks ago I was contacted by a new online publishing site and I have somehow impressed them enough for them to publish one of my poems! That felt awesome. I honestly do not write the things I do with a view to have them published. The fact is that I could express myself through poetry before I could verbally express anything with a glimmer of substance and that still stands today, I write what I cant easily verbally convey. So to be contacted by a stranger out of the blue for what I consider to be a therapeutic tool was hugely flattering.
Musically and creatively in general I feel baron and its weighing heavy on me at the moment. I call myself an artist but I don’t create a lot, I call myself a musician but no music is being done. I start projects but quickly get stuck. I think the problem is that, I released what I consider to be my best work for my dissertation. It wasn’t perfect but it had a clear message and I recorded the vocals in a recording studio with professional equipment. Where as now in terms of subject matter I am very cautious of expressing my social political or Spiritual beliefs because if I’m honest I don’t have any strongly held beliefs. I jumped into the world of conspiracy theories a few years ago fell down the rabbit hole as they say and you can’t convince me that there’s not an element of truth to a number of theories but once you start trying to convince others that we are ruled by beings that use magic to gain power, than you have to slow down and question how stupid you are making yourself look. “truthers” will hate me for saying this but perhaps we find what we want to find in a lot of this shit. Again I’m not denying that conspiracies don’t happen, they do.
So I’m in a very strange place musically, I want my music to have a message, a meaning and purpose but I currently don’t have a purpose or cause to write for. That doesn’t mean I’m happy with the world is, far from it I’m angry about how messed up the world is but I don’t see a solution, spontaneous peace, love and compassion does not happen. In terms of my equipment I really shouldn’t have any complaints although I have been avoiding using my studio monitors for months due to an irrational fear of fire for which I need to grow a vagina and confront. This shouldn’t be stopping me from creating music but I guess I tell myself If I can’t mix the song properly there’s no point in starting it.
Well that was fun wasn’t it?! If you read this go ahead and give yourself a high five!
Peace, Love and sexy times!
I began writing this on the evening of Valentines day. I’ve been feeling like this for awhile but was unsure what to do about it. On one hand we live in a society that looks down at men for showing any sign of insecurity and we are pressured into always putting on a show of strength. On the other hand, I learned in CBT that bottling shit up can make my anxiety much worse! This is not a happy post.
“I don’t want to be this but I wont let this build up inside of me”- Corey Taylor
before we get to the meat of things let me explain my living situation to give you an idea of how I live. I live on my own my family all live in Northumberland. I graduated from Edge Hill university which is in the northwest of England. I live in Coventry after attending a specialist college where I met a lot of my friends I have friends scattered around the country and a cluster of friends live in Birmingham. I have full time care support with live in carers who are entitled to two hours break per day. My main carer currently lives with me for three weeks a month with another carer living with me 1 week a month. My main carer on the whole is fantastic but he doesn’t drive, the other carer has been caring for me for about 3 years and she was an awesome carer but I don’t feel like I can ask her for as much as I could and long story short I appreciate what she’s done for me but its time for a change, oh yeah she doesn’t drive either. If I do feel like going out I have to arrange it with my care company or use public transport. I currently find it really hard to drive my wheel chair as my chair just doesn’t fit me anymore and so I’m not seated correctly and I look so uncomfortable and I feel it. I also have really bad social anxiety,
I feel so alone. I feel like this might well be it for the rest of my life and its eating me alive and I do anything I can to distract myself from the despair I feel every night around bed time. Which is why I’m trying to write this post on an evening, or more likely over a few evenings, I want to feel this shit and puke it into sentences. I’ve been finding myself looking at my past and wanting to sell a limb to have what I had a couple of years ago. I ruminate on my previous relationship and the genuine love I received from my ex and how I didn’t appreciate what we had. In therapy my counsellor said that I didn’t love myself enough to make it work but I think that I wanted the best for my ex and that’s why I let her go, I pick this apart and believe that my OCD tricked me into wanting our relationship to be “perfect” and I see what we had for awhile was damn near perfect. I don’t know whether I will ever have another relationship, I don’t feel like I’m desirable to anyone. This scares me, I have no confidence, I don’t see why anyone would look at me in a romantic way. Is there anything less attractive that a guy writing about his loneliness. On dating sites I get matched with girls that say they want an independent out going guy who wants to travel the world. I’m none of that. Truth be told I don’t know who I am these days. I used to have a solid idea of how the world works and even dared to believe that I could do something positive for the world. Now it feels futile to believe in anything cause you’ll get fucked by your beliefs in the end. I wrote a poem some days ago called Different and disconnected and that sums up my overall mood lately.
Different and disconnected
I want to tell you how sad I feel.
I just want you to listen, I expect no answers.
I know I’m supposed to think positively, reality hampers this.
I’m disconnected from most of society.
Though I love my independence and individuality, would it be easier to fit in?
Become numb to the fact we’re all being fucked by the culture we consume.
I look like, not one of you, I feel like, none of you, I want like, all of you!
I want to feel whole, I want to repair the decay of self loathing.
I want to be me, but not me, in this broken body!
I’m written off so quickly cause I cant speak slickly.
I want to feel comfortable in public, I want to talk to you.
I want to believe I’m worthy of your time.
I desire the things of a 26 year old, while I live the life of an 86 year old.
I Have great mental capacity, its full of fear and negativity,
sure hope is in there somewhere!
How do I sell this? On potential? On good will?
I should just keep trying, just keep smiling.
Paint a picture of living, with the colours of my trying.
Distort my depression with positive lies.
Being disabled and looking as spastic as I do is a barrier for a lot of people. Having OCD is a barrier for people also, but imagine coupling those things together and add the borderline hatred for most things pop culture and my opinions on important world events, I feel that I’m poisoning the sea and killing the fish. I am who I am and I cant pretend and I wont pretend to be what someone else wants me to be. I wish I could be like the majority sometimes it might be easier to fit in.
The answer seems to be out there out of my front door, I need to meet new people, however I am very nervous around people some times to the point that I feel embarrassed to even exist. If you talk to me I’m probably going to stutter and stammer back at you, looking very pained doing so. I need to go out and do stuff though but why would I give myself all the stress and the feelings of not belonging of being everyone else’s inconvenience. It hurts not feeling you belong anywhere, you crave somewhere you feel that’s yours, you crave acceptance. When the world then rejects you from the get go its hell and that’s how it feels. Sometimes, a lot of the time I wish I was stupid like, clinically retarded, cause I’m guessing I wouldn’t want the things that I want in life, I’d be clueless to the world and I wouldn’t feel so hopeless.
I can feel something in me wanting to write something positive to counter act all this depressive bile. I know I’m not dying and therefore it could be worse. That is all the positivity I’m affording me for now. I need to air as much as I can, I can’t be the only person feeling this hopeless and I hope this post connects with other people that feel like me. We are not alone are we?
When ever I have a good time, if I spend time with friends, see a film at a cinema, see a comedy show or concert I’m elated at the event but when I see the event coming to an end I am overwhelmed by negative emotions, anger sadness and cold fear. It seems that I use gambling to distract me from all this and it works in fact it gives me something else to hate myself for. Addicts are almost always hurting and trying to relive what ever pain they are feeling. However we all know that addictions become a problem of there own and it’s a vicious cycle. in terms of my gambling, i feel like I’m in control because I have stopped on numerous occasions, but i am aware of the danger I could face and the problems it can cause I feel like if I felt this bad and had the opportunity to do all kinds of drugs without anything being recorded by care staff than I’d probably be your local lowlife junky. Sometimes I want to get up go out and disappear alas I live with carers and don’t have the ability to do this. Other times I feel like I want to get black out drunk, however the carer is probably duty bound to stop me when they feel ive had enough, that’s never a nice feeling, also I don’t want them documenting how sad I might appear, because I want help on my own terms, I want to endure as much as I can. I want control.
I’m Isolated. I find it really hard because I love my independence, I am really surprised I’ve been able to be so independent. I like living so close to the city. The problem is that I don’t have a social circle that I can easily access, plus I’m not the kind of person to confide my troubles in my care staff, they are from different backgrounds and boundaries are important with carer/client relationships, so sadness builds up and little things turn in to big things. When I meet up with friends, its definitely an event more than an everyday occurrence, shout out to all my friends by the way, when we’re together I feel much more alive. To you I’m Kyle, I guess because you don’t have access to my inner dialogue you don’t see me the way I do.
I guess I’m about due to finish this post, I guess in summary, I’m lost and scared. The positive ending to this, is for me to say something like, I know that I have the solution within me to overcome this rough patch, but if I’m honest I feel like I do have the strength to deal with my depression and OCD but I don’t know about long term happiness, I don’t know about romance, I think I want it too much.
I wanted to write this for therapeutic reasons, I’m not looking for pitty, but hey I’m open for advice. I know that I’m not alone with these feelings and I hope this can help someone else I suppose.
Love and peace
Happy New Year people of the internet!
Its been a few weeks since my last post so I’m due to write some words it seems. In a change to my original plans I thought I’d give you a summary of what I enjoyed over the Christmas period.
I spend 2 weeks with my family in Northumberland, A place called Ashington to be precise. Whenever I tell people I’m from Northumberland they usually picture the lovely quiet Scenic rural country side, well ashington is not this at all, there is a reason we nick name the place ‘Ashganistan’!
Anyway, I couch surfed for two weeks, from family member to family member. I had a great time, it is so different up there in various ways. I enjoyed being there a lot more than I have the past few times, I felt less of a burden than I usually do. I spent time with the myriad of children in family without self accusing. It seems the children are getting used to me, which is nice. It was always going to be difficult for my younger siblings who are below the age of 4 to understand that I’m there brother and my wheelchair is not scary. They were born after I left so it must have been strange to them, for a weird looking dreaded dude on four wheels just to show up at there house and call their mam, mam and to watch their mam help this stranger do everything. My younger sister used to be really stand offish with me and she still is but at least we communicated this time.
I also got to spend time with my sister who is in foster care, which was awesome, I love it when I can feel like a brother, that might sound strange but what I mean is I enjoy being there for her. She has had a very difficult life and our relationship is different to my other siblings because we lost our dad, we know that man as dad, no one else does. Dad loved both of us and I know he loves seeing us together. I feel obliged to let my sister know that I want to be a bigger part of her life. I get bogged down in my inability to care for her in a traditional sense of given her a place to stay, cooking her food and asking about school and saying the right things. All that is a classic case of my over thinking. All I have to do to show her I love her is genuinely be there for her. I am always here when ever she wants me, I met her knew foster carer who seems awesome and we spoke about the possibility of my sister coming to stay with me and my gran in Coventry this summer and it seems agreeable.
My OCD was challenged on occasion and I did seek reassurance and avoidance without realising what I was doing but I realised afterwards and adjusted next time. for example, I was staying at my sisters, (a different sisters) and she went to work in the morning she told me her boyfriend would be in the next room and he was, however I started to think, has he left, if he has I’m alone and I have no alarm to call in case of emergency, so I messaged my sister asking how long it would be before my mam came to get me dressed, I didn’t tell her I was scared. What I should of done was to let the anxiety reach its peak and weigh up the likelihood of the boyfriend leaving me alone, so early when he didn’t have any place to be.
That’s all for today, thanks for reading
Just Thoughts #2 I want to live again!
A while ago, I wrote a short “Blog” of just random thoughts in an attempt to force myself to write more, I would remind you of the content but I have banned myself from the internet , in order to write this (apart from checking my bank of course!). yes I’m back, and rambling, you see, I’ve given myself the goal of waking up an hour earlier everyday and to write for that first hour, the content? What ever comes in to my mind that has the tangible possibility to be interesting. That last sentence probably had no right to be written.
Why am I doing this? I hear you ask, well simply because I can but I’ll elaborate. Since my obsessive Compulsive disorder kicked in at the beginning of the year, I have stopped doing everything I’m good at, I stopped believing I was capable of writing anything interesting or being interesting. In my mind I began to think that unless I could write the best thing in the history of the written word, than it was not worth writing. Same goes for music, since I spent a year researching, writing and Recording my EP “Songs of Conscious” I got it stuck in my mind that unless I could do better I wouldn’t bother. It might seem a stretch to link this to OCD but allow me to explain.
I started Cognitive behavioural therapy in September to treat my OCD and I have learnt so much about myself. I have been able to see why my wires are faulty and why I do the things I do. Without going to deep it turns out that traumatic situations have lead me to pretty much hate myself and to lack belief in myself. My mind knows how to deal with fear so, one way or another it seeks out fearful situations and as a result of this I don’t do what I truly want to do because I don’t believe I am good enough so I avoid doing these things in order to protect myself from disappointment. It’s a vicious cycle and I’m fooled into believing that I will fail without any evidence.
I achieve most things that I attempt to do, I left home and I now live as independent as possible, I graduated from University. I have had my music acknowledged and showcased by people that I respect, My poetry seems to resonate with others and people seem to like me as a person.
Before I started CBT and at the very beginning of OCD rearing its evil head, I did not want to live, I was plagued by so much pain and I believed my life was over. I could not foresee myself recovering. I bought OCD’s evaluation of my past, present and Future.
CBT has exposed OCD’s lies, it has given me so much hope and strength. I want to do things again, I am willing to try I am willing to fail. The way forward is self belief and self love. Nothing in life is 100% certain and awfull things might happen but if I buy into fear and cease to live the life I want to live I am inviting awful things, if I try my best to live the Way I want to, than I’m inviting happiness. I want to live again!
Peace And Love
Korn, Family and OCD!
Hello people of the internet! I originally began this blog a few weeks ago and I’m hoping to get this finished today, so I can move on to more interesting topics. This blog is basically an update, about my time away with family and how my OCD reacted to all of that.
I was talked into going back up north by a very close friend, one of my first carers actually and he’s a guy that knows me well and has always looked out for me since the beginning. Bryan and his family are family to me. He has a very good understanding of mental illness which makes him kind of my go to person when freaking out. I could write a few stories here about how fucking nuts Bryan is but I’m hoping he writes a book one day so I’ll leave that to him. When Bryan asked me if I wanted to Come Home A big part of me was instantly stubborn to the idea, I felt like it showed my weakness or something having to go back and effectively be “looked after”. I suppose I’m just proud and I take pride in the fact I’ve made a life for myself at the other end of the country from my family, when sometimes looking back, very few people expected me to do as much as even survive let alone graduate from a mainstream university, University of the year at that. So having to “go home” felt soft, and I have a voice in the back of my mind that I constantly fight, it’s a voice that thrives off me failing it reminds me of how much of a waste I am, I heard that voice gloating “ see everyone knew you couldn’t manage”. Its really stupid but it was there, on the flipside when Bryan said that he could sort things out to get me back around my family it just felt right it felt safer, I was having panic attacks everyday, my OCD was spiking massively I needed to be around family. It seems that the cause of my panic attacks was that there was a clash in my medication, mirtazapine and Diazepam Do not mix.
Rather than trying to chronicle my time with family, I’ll keep it brief, as I’m finding it really hard to make any of this seem meaningful. Being around family helped and it was good real life exposure. I found it difficult talking about OCD for a few reasons. I don’t know when I am talking about OCD as a form of reassurance and therefore becomes a compulsion and when I talk about it to help people understand. I question whether my family need to know I think they do, however the tricky part is people actually understanding and taking it seriously, as serious as my cerebral palsy, they both affect my brain, only one effects my muscles not receiving the message from my brain and the other floods my brain with ego dystonic thoughts. Where I come from its very mind of matter and if your mentally ill your looked down on. I can deal with that but I don’t think I can face it with my own family.
People don’t get that everything in my mind during a OCD spike feels real and what it does to me is that it takes every ounce of dignity away from me. I fully understand that my thoughts are not real but my brain makes them feel real. I get the impression that some of my family don’t know I have OCD or do know and it kind of feels like a dirty secret. I guess I treat it that way as I feel I should be ashamed of my OCD mind I think in a weird way I’m glad of the shame and guilt I feel,it proves that I don’t desire my thoughts. With all that in mind it was really cool just to feel part of the family when I was in Ashington.
However I cant escape that I feel like a burden, when I’m not paying for the care or help I receive. Family or not I just don’t feel like I deserve their help, I’m so broken and now my mind is broken, I really don’t see what I have to offer. There was one afternoon for definite that I was swallowed by suicidal thoughts when I was in Ashington, I was at my mams, I was thinking of how my mam has more children now and my illness is not fair on them. I can’t just go back home like anyone else I really don’t want to but if I did, it is no longer viable, its fucking cruel. I remember just wishing I was never born and it wasn’t teenage angsty bullcrap it was calculated. How am I supposed to talk like this to my family I don’t want them to hurt, I don’t want them to worry, I want them to think I’m ok and I can manage, so fuck if I cant, that’s my problem.
On a happier note I had my cousin come back to Coventry, this was pre arranged as we were going to see Korn Play there 20th anniversary show with my aunty in Brixton London which apart from the tube and the travel was epic and an unforgettable night there is nothing like A korn gig to let out all the pent up negativity. My highlight Was screaming “all my life who Am I” at the top of my voice, in tears during the song Faget.
Having my Cousin Tyler with me for a few weeks was really cool far less awkward as I was expecting, he seemed to want to be here and it was nice not feeling so alone. It definitely showed me that I may want to rely on other parts of my family more.
So what now, currently I’m managing much better than I was, I’ve joined a local performance group, I am to do music and sound design for there show in October. Sorry for this jumbled mess and thanks reading. I’m hoping for my next blog to be about the OCD Community.
Tweet me @munkyle