Category Archives: Politics

Just thoughts #5 October ramblings

This is going to be very stream of conscious from me. I feel like I have stuff to say that may or may not be interesting to you.

Right so having full time care is essential in my life and I’m so lucky to have it and having this amount of care affords me freedom and independence. However I feel like it can also be very restrictive socially and perhaps emotionally. For example I’m depressed a lot and there’s times where I want to just disappear and there’s times where I could tear my home apart and times where I want to make stupid and reckless decisions. I can’t really do any of this. I don’t cry in front of people and I let everything sit. I have full on screaming fits inside.

Its kind of cruel that the people who know me most are paid professionals and that due to rules we can’t be friends, I’m thinking about counsellors here. Every counsellor I’ve met has seemed to like me, I’ve even made a couple counsellors cry when leaving, that kind of thing can’t be faked. I’m told I have value and that If I believe in myself I’ll find happiness but just when I start to believe my treatment is finished and I eventually wash away the closeness and love I feel during counselling. It is not a counsellors job to be responsible for their clients its down to the client, so I’m giving tools of which seem inadequate when put up against years of self hatred and internalised Ableism.

During my 6 month check up with my CBT therapist we discovered that I’m massively ablest not just against myself but every disabled person, I guess I really don’t want to be disabled but does anybody? I see adult disabled people acting lets say immature or embarrassing and I think that a few things happen in my brain. I see this behaviour as being perceived as representative of me and who I am, I look at disabled people and they are me and they are in the way and of course this is really horrible to put out but its not about disabled people its about me As in I’m in the way, my voice, my mannerisms disgust me. Dark as hell I know but that’s just the way I feel but we should always remember that feelings don’t equate to reality. Its hard all of this because evidently I’m my own worst enemy when I should be my own saviour, A romantic relationship wont save me from myself, a full time job wont either, meeting my idols wont, banging my head to the deepest of music wont. It all begins with me, I really need to find myself again and remove all the fear of being judged, its obvious that everyone gets judged, yes I’m very obviously spastic, when I’m stressed, angry, nervous or even excited I’m even more physically distorted and not the me I want anyone to see. I feel like I need to just have awkwardness more, talk to strangers and live like I am confident. A big part of me wants to be this cringey lads lad just so I can say I cant get any worse than that. I don’t actually want to be a lads lad, I just want to be me but I don’t feel that my body represents me. I want to contribute, I want to talk to you, I want to laugh, I want to be naughty in various ways. The question is, how do I get there, another question is, is that who I really am. I’m desperate to be known for my intellect, humour and my artistic world view, I’m well aware of how poncy that may sound. I guess I’m that used to being looked at as the disabled dude by most people that I just want so badly to show them and me that I’m a billion miles away from the shy recluse that I portray.

Thanks for reading!

Oh and while I remember this blog thingy was inspired by my friends video where Jennie discusses her journey in becoming a more confident speaker please check it out!

Life update April 2016! Pirates, Marathons and conspiracy theories

Dear life, go get yourself!!!

Good Day Eyeballs of the internet, I’m here to try and un-confuse myself and give you a general sense of where my head is right now. My previous blog was utterly depressing but it was honest, Life is a lot better now, I have a new wheelchair which I can actually Fucking drive! its awesome, its as good as being able to walk.

 

I have been getting out at least twice a week, with and without help. I managed to take myself to the local train station that was a huge achievement for me, I am well aware of how small that sounds and words cant do it justice, a few months ago I was absolutely crippled with anxiety and thought that I would continue to need more and more support. Now I feel like I want to go out independently and I can. I’m even contemplating doing some marathons for charities I’d even go as far as saying that I want to do the 2017 great north run.

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I was a Pirate a couple of weeks ago, I was a pirate and a shrimp… can shrimps be pirates? Can pirates be shrimps? These are the things we fail to answer in our quest for the trivial things in life!.. Allow me to Elaborate, Last summer I joined a performance group with the intention to make friends and make music for their shows. Well, I made a bit of music for their show in October and then I somehow got talked into being in their last play Entitled ”Polly The Pirates Perfect Pet” it was aimed at children and I have to admit I really Enjoyed it. Not so much the performance but just feeling part of something.

 

A few Weeks ago I was contacted by a new online publishing site and I have somehow impressed them enough for them to publish one of my poems! That felt awesome. I honestly do not write the things I do with a view to have them published. The fact is that I could express myself through poetry before I could verbally express anything with a glimmer of substance and that still stands today, I write what I cant easily verbally convey. So to be contacted by a stranger out of the blue for what I consider to be a therapeutic tool was hugely flattering.

 

Musically and creatively in general I feel baron and its weighing heavy on me at the moment. I call myself an artist but I don’t create a lot, I call myself a musician but no music is being done. I start projects but quickly get stuck. I think the problem is that, I released what I consider to be my best work for my dissertation. It wasn’t perfect but it had a clear message and I recorded the vocals in a recording studio with professional equipment. Where as now in terms of subject matter I am very cautious of expressing my social political or Spiritual beliefs because if I’m honest I don’t have any strongly held beliefs. I jumped into the world of conspiracy theories a few years ago fell down the rabbit hole as they say and you can’t convince me that there’s not an element of truth to a number of theories but once you start trying to convince others that we are ruled by beings that use magic to gain power, than you have to slow down and question how stupid you are making yourself look. “truthers” will hate me for saying this but perhaps we find what we want to find in a lot of this shit. Again I’m not denying that conspiracies don’t happen, they do.

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So I’m in a very strange place musically, I want my music to have a message, a meaning and purpose but I currently don’t have a purpose or cause to write for. That doesn’t mean I’m happy with the world is, far from it I’m angry about how messed up the world is but I don’t see a solution, spontaneous peace, love and compassion does not happen. In terms of my equipment I really shouldn’t have any complaints although I have been avoiding using my studio monitors for months due to an irrational fear of fire      for which I need to grow a vagina and confront. This shouldn’t be stopping me from creating music but I guess I tell myself If I can’t mix the song properly there’s no point in starting it.

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Well that was fun wasn’t it?! If you read this go ahead and give yourself a high five!

Peace, Love and sexy times!

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Just Thoughts #4 on Disability and Sex

Just Thoughts #4 on Disability and Sex

The Vast majority of humans that inhabit the earth want to find romance, we are wired to want to be desired. I belong to a minority in society who are not often viewed as physically desirable. Sex, Love and disability is a subject I have wrote about extensively, it is a subject I am passionate about obviously. I am sick at disabled people being treated as if we all ought to be in bed by 9pm and as though finding a person with a disability attractive is some how a fetish or down right wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen and everything in between, disabled people in terms of love, are just like you, your not a sexual deviant if you find a disabled person hot. The problem is not that disabled people are not generally attractive, it is that media creates the illusion that disability and sexuality is some how not “normal” and indeed, we are not portrayed as sexy we are either to be pitied or inspiring, never to be fucked.

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When the world disregards your human need to feel sexually appealing to others, when society mocks others for finding your body type attractive it is hard not to want to find a way to accept that, romance and therefore sex, therefore children and therefore a family of your own may not be in your life. Yes this is my personal feeling sometimes. I’m sorry to sound so depressing but I’m certainly not the only disabled person that feels this way and I know that these kinds of feelings are not just exclusive to the disabled community.

 

Sex is a human right (or it should be) it is overrated and underrated in different ways. When sex is just sex, it is just sex the banging together of two bodies. But when sex is the act of being intimate, the sharing of your body with another human its kind of magical. Many people with disabilities can not access the dating world for a number of reasons such as their, care needs, lack of independence, lack of the confidence as a result of self consciousness due to their disability.

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Sex workers in my opinion are a valuable solution to this problem. There is a horrible stigma around sex workers and the Documentary “Scarlet Road” addresses this, as well as the difficulties people with disabilities have in exploring their sexuality. Its far more than just a leg over, for example the documentary features a gentleman with a muscle wasting disability and he only has the ability to use his head, we see him explain that after seeing Rachel, (the subject of the documentary) he regains or rediscovers muscle movement. Furthermore this is a dude who wanted to end is life and seeing a sex worker gave him Happiness, Sex workers like Rachel are not “whores” or “sluts” they are fucking angels. Of course there are obvious drawbacks to paying for sex, its expensive, financially and in some cases emotionally, if seeing a sex worker changes your life, you are probably going to develop feelings for the women. It can also become addictive, if you have that type of personality. The biggest Drawback in my opinion would be that paying for sex may derail a person from even trying to find a romantic partner. There is no way a sex worker can offer anything as valuable as the feeling of love, being loved and being wanted. However, if you can afford a sex worker and you benefit from it then, why not?

 


If You Enjoyed this blog please check out the links below to my other work on this topic;

https://discussingthedis.wordpress.com/2014/10/22/love-sex-and-disability-my-truth/

https://discussingthedis.wordpress.com/tag/relationship/

Love And peace

 

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Just Thoughts #3 Why Is Racism a Thing

Just Thoughts #3 Why Is Racism a Thing

Are Humans stupid? Why is racism a thing? I grew up on a council state in Ashington Northumberland, where seeing a black face was a rare thing. Racist jokes were just common place, the corner shop is not referred to as the corner shop. I don’t know where I’m going with this but not a lot has changed since I was a kid in Ashington. It almost feels counter productive to discuss bigotry with the types of minds I’m thinking about here, unfortunately its ingrained and casual bigotry is seen as being truthful. Its not, intentionally discriminating against a person on the basis of race, religion, sex, gender and disability is profoundly dumb and yet very common but we know this.

 

The thing is though how can we condemn people who know no better than to treat any “othered” group as less. Telling people that the way they view life is wrong dumb and hateful doesn’t help, I think they have to have an experience of inequality. This is why when people blame foreigners for the country’s financial problems, I ask them to look at the leaching monarchy, here is a family who we are supposed to adore. Sorry but NO! There are people dying because they literary cannot afford to live as a result of benefits being cut while money is being wasted on a relic of racism I’ll post a video below which debunks the “fact” that the monarchy is value for money.

Divide and conquer keeps the rich, rich and the poor, poor. its funny people who claim benefits are deemed a strain on society and are chastised for “Not paying their way” yet we glorify multinational conglomerates and idolize the likes of Mark Zuckerberg who avoid paying as much tax as possible which would help boost the economy.

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I get the impression that people think that because I speak out against bigotry that I’m somehow self righteous. I’m not being trendy and I’m not being over PC either I never stop people using racist language I never cry over racist jokes because one, Its not my place and two we live in country where freedom of speech allows for this. I will however call you out if your on a hitler trip calling for mass execution of an entire group. Wanting equality is not somehow weak. Weak is choosing to be ignorant and choosing to live from a place of hate. We have the internet we can choose more balanced media we can read other peoples accounts of what it is like to be a minority. The way out is education

That is all I have for you today

 

Love and peace     

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