This is going to be very stream of conscious from me. I feel like I have stuff to say that may or may not be interesting to you.
Right so having full time care is essential in my life and I’m so lucky to have it and having this amount of care affords me freedom and independence. However I feel like it can also be very restrictive socially and perhaps emotionally. For example I’m depressed a lot and there’s times where I want to just disappear and there’s times where I could tear my home apart and times where I want to make stupid and reckless decisions. I can’t really do any of this. I don’t cry in front of people and I let everything sit. I have full on screaming fits inside.
Its kind of cruel that the people who know me most are paid professionals and that due to rules we can’t be friends, I’m thinking about counsellors here. Every counsellor I’ve met has seemed to like me, I’ve even made a couple counsellors cry when leaving, that kind of thing can’t be faked. I’m told I have value and that If I believe in myself I’ll find happiness but just when I start to believe my treatment is finished and I eventually wash away the closeness and love I feel during counselling. It is not a counsellors job to be responsible for their clients its down to the client, so I’m giving tools of which seem inadequate when put up against years of self hatred and internalised Ableism.
During my 6 month check up with my CBT therapist we discovered that I’m massively ablest not just against myself but every disabled person, I guess I really don’t want to be disabled but does anybody? I see adult disabled people acting lets say immature or embarrassing and I think that a few things happen in my brain. I see this behaviour as being perceived as representative of me and who I am, I look at disabled people and they are me and they are in the way and of course this is really horrible to put out but its not about disabled people its about me As in I’m in the way, my voice, my mannerisms disgust me. Dark as hell I know but that’s just the way I feel but we should always remember that feelings don’t equate to reality. Its hard all of this because evidently I’m my own worst enemy when I should be my own saviour, A romantic relationship wont save me from myself, a full time job wont either, meeting my idols wont, banging my head to the deepest of music wont. It all begins with me, I really need to find myself again and remove all the fear of being judged, its obvious that everyone gets judged, yes I’m very obviously spastic, when I’m stressed, angry, nervous or even excited I’m even more physically distorted and not the me I want anyone to see. I feel like I need to just have awkwardness more, talk to strangers and live like I am confident. A big part of me wants to be this cringey lads lad just so I can say I cant get any worse than that. I don’t actually want to be a lads lad, I just want to be me but I don’t feel that my body represents me. I want to contribute, I want to talk to you, I want to laugh, I want to be naughty in various ways. The question is, how do I get there, another question is, is that who I really am. I’m desperate to be known for my intellect, humour and my artistic world view, I’m well aware of how poncy that may sound. I guess I’m that used to being looked at as the disabled dude by most people that I just want so badly to show them and me that I’m a billion miles away from the shy recluse that I portray.