In this room, I say, actually I think about killing myself everyday,
I need to be honest, I don’t deal with my insides, when I’m here.
Now the care is good, now Tyler is away for awhile.
I must tell you, I don’t want to be alive, I’m not over her, I write about it a lot.
After a pause, she speaks and I listen,
The gist is, I was happy before, she tells me I can be again,
No certainty, of course uncertainty is a certainty,
It feels like, she is saying, I should stay alive, just in case I can be happy again,
That seems so fucking stupid, I know sadness will follow me, its fucking swallowed me!
Wake up and live, an effort I must give, find busy-ness In not what is no longer,
Find busy-ness in not my sadness, find busy-ness in not ending this.
I have to pull this faith from nowhere,
Arrange meet ups, go to places with no-one I know there.
Smile at strangers, in case they see past the wheelchair.
Live with the knowledge of my sadness, live with the intent of happiness.