Just In Case (Poetry)

 

In this room, I say, actually I think about killing myself everyday,

I need to be honest, I don’t deal with my insides, when I’m here.

Now the care is good, now Tyler is away for awhile.

I must tell you, I don’t want to be alive, I’m not over her, I write about it a lot.

 

After a pause, she speaks and I listen,

The gist is, I was happy before, she tells me I can be again,

No certainty, of course uncertainty is a certainty,

It feels like, she is saying, I should stay alive, just in case I can be happy again,

That seems so fucking stupid, I know sadness will follow me, its fucking swallowed me!

Wake up and live, an effort I must give, find busy-ness In not what is no longer,

Find busy-ness in not my sadness, find busy-ness in not ending this.

 

I have to pull this faith from nowhere,

Arrange meet ups, go to places with no-one I know there.

Smile at strangers, in case they see past the wheelchair.

Live with the knowledge of my sadness, live with the intent of happiness.    

  

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